Dear Jonathan,

Well if we take all these things and we bury them fast
And we’ll pray that they turn into seeds, to roots and then grass
It’d be all right, it’s all right, it’d be easier that way
Or if the sky opened up and started pouring rain
Like he knew it was time to start things over again
It’d be all right, it’s all right, it’d be easier that way

You are such an amazing soul. I have seen you fall over the years, and I have seen you pick yourself right back up. A lot of people see you as ‘Rook’, the guy who is always down for a good time, but I know different. I have seen what so many people haven’t, and beautiful or ugly, you have been my best friend for a long time.

On the flip side, you have seen the ugliest parts of me. The most hateful, angry, fat, skinny, smelly, fucked up parts of me. The way I say the wrong thing at the *right time, or the right thing at the *wrong time. My embarassment over my “fat fat”, my shyness over the bathroom door, and the girl tears that I can’t stop…even when I should. The way I stand in THE SAME SPOT for two hours while we fight it out, how I won’t back down, and how I always want to (have to) be right. You have seen me at my worst.

And my best…the best I have ever given anyone.

I am so proud of you, Jonathan. You are one of the most lucky and unlucky people I have ever met, and you have faced these last three years better than I knew was possible, and you’re still alive. You still manage to face things, even when they’re so ridiculously unfair.

I am better for knowing you, for loving you. I am stronger, happier, smarter, for having known you these past years. You have taught me a lot regarding my own self worth, and good or bad, I never could have learned that anywhere else. You have also shown me what I am willing to tolerate, and the lengths I am willing to go for someone I love. I never knew I could do the things I have, never knew I could push myself so far to succeed, and never thought I could ever care (again) about someone more than myself. I have never “needed” you, but I have always wanted you. Broken, scarred, bloodied…you have been my best friend, and in any capacity, I have always wanted you.

Today, you start your new job. And oh god, you definitely deserve this. You deserve your chance to shine, to make something your own, and to show people that you’re not what they think. You have never cared what others thought of you, but I know better. I know you have wanted your chance.

For all the ups and downs, I’d have to say that none of it matters anymore. We have needed these months, to push each other, to dislike each other, to grow apart. We needed these months to get back to zero instead of being in the negative numbers, and I needed these months to grow UP and figure out what it is that truly drives me. What makes me whole, and what makes me better. Neither of us was happy, and we needed this.

I’m excited for the next few months, and I hope they treat you well:)


One comment

  1. I appreciate your thoughts. I appreciate you. I want to make it better.

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