I am trying. Trying so fucking hard to figure things out for myself. I’ve been doing a great job managing my guilt about being happy (what does that even MEAN?), and I have been slowly allowing certain walls to come down and let that be possible. None of this is easy, but in the face of everything I have endured in the past year, I’ll take it.
The thing is…I am not used to this. I feel weird about being happy, I feel weird about being excited, I feel weird that I am being treated so well. I didn’t know this was possible, I didn’t believe that I was worth it.
I waited three years to feel this way. To be special to someone, to mean something to someone I loved with all of me. I waited and it never came, and I am struggling with that, and trying to figure out why. Why it never happened, why I wasn’t worth it, and why it hurt so bad.
I received flowers at work this morning. Beautiful ones with fall leaves in them and all my favorite colors, and I want to feel so happy and giddy…but I am struggling.
Tomorrow will be better.