I’m breathing, and that’s all that will ever matter to me. One breath after another.
Today, my tiny world is coming full circle (again). I was the one that held the key this time, and even in all my “happy glow”, I have been reluctant to use it. The last remaining ties to a life I don’t want to belong to…each slowly being cut and allowed freedom. It’s scary, because I am now fully opening myself up to meet and love and know other people…people that might never like me for me, or love my odd quirks, or even understand who I am and why.
It’s a process. Of growing and learning, and realizing that I didn’t really have that to begin with. That is the hardest conclusion to come to: I didn’t have that anyway. What I wanted and what I actually got were always two different things, and what my heart said versus what I wanted it to say were different also. I was grasping at smoke, and fuck, that is going to hurt for a long time.
And the news reports on the radio
Said it was getting worse
As the ocean air fanned the flames
But I couldn’t think
Of anywhere I would of rather been
To watch it all burn away
To burn away
This is going to hurt. For reasons I can’t explain to anyone, and for reasons that shock me. Not for love, and not for companionship…but for what I lost somewhere along the way: some of the best parts of me. I need to get those back, and this is the last giant step I’m taking to do so.
One breath after another.