I’ve done what I could. Given the information I have (and had at the time), I did what I could.
As the months go on, and as my freedom grows and expands to new sizes, I am forced to examine things more closely. Did I give up too easily? Did I rush to judgement? Did I hear everyone out, point fingers too quickly, hate too easily?
My heart (what I trust more than anything or anyone in the world) says no.
I had a dream last night. Vivid as they always are, it was real and it wasn’t emotional or hate filled. Out of nowhere, Jon’s ex girlfriend showed up in my head, and we just started…talking. About life, about how our vision of love has changed and grown, and about the past. About the awful things we said about each other, about how girls are such hateful and hurtful people sometimes, and about how that was then, and this is now. For a few minutes of sleep, I felt like we had an understanding, and it felt good. Like all of my dreams, it was gone fairly quickly, and my brain moved on in another direction. But I woke up this morning with a feeling of resolve.
I am just not hateful.
I am not the girl who holds grudges.
I would much rather feel peace than any kind of animosity towards anyone. Deserved or not.
I have never known the full truth. I never will, but somewhere in the last six months, I became okay with that. That story was never mine to tell, and holding that in and disliking people because of that is unfair. It wasn’t my story, it belongs to other people.
What happens today is nothing new. Only the fact that I am actually writing about how healthy I am these days (healthy and happy), and how this is the first time in my entire life where I feel that my world is truly RIGHT. I’ve done what I could for the sake of other people, and now is the time to be okay with where I’m standing, and shout it from the rooftops if I feel the need. Somewhere in these last three years, I lost a part of who I am. I wrapped myself up in someone else, gave in to their needs and wants, and forgot my own. I thought that unconditional love meant allowing someone else to take priority over myself, and that walking through the mud would make things stronger in the end. It didn’t, and a person can only take so much.
I learned how to be stronger. Strong enough to walk away when I needed to, just far enough where I could breathe again.
I haven’t changed. I just became Cassie again, the girl who moved three thousand miles away from home just to learn what life meant on MY terms. I haven’t changed, but I’m an adult now, and part of that is being able to know when enough is truly enough.
On this day, my resolve is stronger than ever. I refuse to feel hate, or anger, or any bitter feelings towards anyone for what happened this last year of my life. I got (and gave) an apology last week, and it filled my heart to read that and be able to say it back. Some people truly “get it”; and now, I’ve done what I could.