It’s that time of year again, I can see it all around me.
Spring cleaning of the soul. It’s a time to re-evaluate what’s important, make moves if need be, clean UP and clean OUT. What this means for me is simple: new job, new experiences. Unlike last year, nothing is painful this time, and the “cleaning” I’m doing is a lot less stressful and hard. I did go through it though, as any old (and sometimes new) blog entry can show you. I cleaned up my soul last year, and it didn’t come without sacrifice and sadness.
This year, I’m seeing it again, but not from me.
Three of my best friends are dealing with the same kinds of sadness I had last year, some on the same scale, some on different scales. It’s interesting to see from this side of the fence, give advice without my own anxiety, and be able to not carry it over into my own relationship. What I can say is that everyone goes through things in their relationships, and whether it’s worth repairing or not is completely up to the parties involved. Nobody else.
Something important that I forgot last year when it was happening to me: It takes two to tango.
Yes, I was deeply hurt. Yes, I felt like it was unjustified, and in so many ways, it was. However, I was not (and am not) without blame for the way that relationship turned out in the end. I chose to walk away, I chose to forgive but not forget, and thus became unable to start over fresh. I don’t think I made the wrong choice, but whether it was worth losing my best friend over…that’s one thing I’ll never be sure of. I wasn’t an angel, and I did my fair share of making things difficult. Did it warrent the reaction I got? No, but that’s what happens when you allow yourself to become close to another human being. He wasn’t me, and I wasn’t him, so while I can’t understand why things happened the way they did, I can understand HIM. He was doing what he had to at the time, and I can still love him for that.
Like our entire relationship had, the ending taught me good lessons. I am not without blame.
In giving advice to my friends over the past week, I have watched my words carefully. They aren’t ready to see it any other way, and I can certainly understand that; I wasn’t ready until I was ready. I wish that the coming of spring could be as wonderful for everyone as it has been for me, but it’s time to clean. And clean we shall.
(NEW! 86-94 Things)