I’ve been having dreams lately. Dreams that make sense, only to me, and when I finally wake up they have left me…longing.
If you’ve “cracked my code” from Twitter, congratulations. But this is going to be another one of those entries that I will wish I hadn’t written. Because in the long run, nothing good can come of this. Nobody wins.
I still miss Jon, and I dream of him almost nightly. Not the dark parts, and certainly not the parts that hurt me, but the part of him that only I could know. The part of him that loved me, even when he walked away. I also miss the part of me the burned when I was with him, the girl who leaped without looking, the one who believed that crying meant living. I was young, and I didn’t have all the facts yet, but I loved him with everything I had…and I tried to build a life that way.
It’s weird, because I have everything I deserve now.
I have an amazing boyfriend, who is (before anything else) my most trusted friend. Jeremy is exactly what I have waited for, because I can tell him everything (even this whole entry if I wanted) and he doesn’t get jealous or angry or suspicious of me or my motives. I have a relationship with someone who allows me to shine, who puts his arm around me all on his own, someone who absolutely loves me. We trust each other completely, we give each other space without wondering, he is exactly what I have waited for. What I deserve.
Still, there is a void that he doesn’t fill. One that I’m not sure should ever be filled again, because it was destructive and painful and wrong. I can’t stop myself from remembering the good times though, how Jon pulled me out of my head and made me think. I am not proud of the way our relationship ended, but I am proud of how it survived three years. Some people might think it was because I was naive, or because I “didn’t want to be alone”, but it was neither. I believed in him…I believed in love. I am not proud of how low I sunk to catch him in his lies, but I am proud that we somehow made it work when it shouldn’t have. ugh, I feel this is going nowhere…
I miss him, but I need to let him go. The part of me that will always love him needs to let go, because talking to Jon now only hurts me further. The last time we spoke, he alluded to the fact that he has a new girlfriend, and now it’s time I let him go.
I will not do what his ex-girlfriend did to us. No matter how justified she believes she was, getting in the middle of someone else’s relationship is never okay. I will always know Jon just a little better than any new girl he starts dating, but I hope that whomever he chooses will get the very best of him. The part I don’t bring out in him, the part that I stopped seeing after awhile. The memories…the Jonathan I am holding onto…I am letting him go. I really loved him, but it wasn’t enough, and I have to let it go.
“You are the smell before rain, you are the blood in my veins…”
I hope one day that he calls. Just to say hi.