Thirty Nine Days.

I know it’s not the 27th yet, but this post is just too good to wait until tomorrow.

I often post things I’ve written in the past, because it’s fun, and I make no apologies today. I wrote this two years ago, during what I fondly call “the beginning of the end”, and I was extremely proud of this post at the time. I laid it all out there, refused to hold back, and it was one of those rare times I felt completely cleansed when I hit publish.

Of course, I was (am) also a master of the internet, and happen to come across someone stealing this post and claiming it as their own. At the time, I was so infuriated that I could have breathed fire. The idea that someone whom I loathed could steal something so personal from me, claim the credit, and then pretend to be an original human being…I couldn’t fathom it. It was really gross. That was a fun week, and every time I read this, I am reminded of the fact that I always make “good decisions”.

If you’re going to be honest with anyone, it might as well be yourself. Just saying that again makes me so happy…

Regardless of what anyone thinks, I am completely fine with the choices I’ve made. Recently, and in the past three years.

I haven’t done one single thing I’m ashamed of, and the choices I’m making for my future don’t shame me either. You don’t have to understand, I don’t answer to you.

Loving another person is often entirely selfish. We want love, so we try and give it. We want acceptance, so we try and give it. We want compassion and understanding, so we try and give it. We want, and so we give. There is a certain note of selfishness in that, and when we don’t get what we’re hoping for, it’s screws with our head. And it screws with our hearts.

We are reactionary, and only when you strip that away, do you get to the core of what loving someone else is all about. It’s unconditional, and that means REGARDLESS. Regardless of choices made, words spoken, actions acted upon….regardless. My life has NOT been filled with chaos, and I don’t chase my next high. I am not constantly searching for the drama to unfold and read, and the deepest parts of my heart have not been filled with pain in the past.

Maybe.

Maybe when I didn’t know myself, didn’t know what “unconditional” meant, and couldn’t look myself (or anyone else) in the eye because I was too afraid. Maybe then I felt chaos, but not now. And not since I became aware.

I have been too blessed (spiritually and actually) to not realize the power of love. I finally became who I was supposed to be, and not a lot of people can say that.

And so, regardless, I am going to love whomever it is that I wish. I am going to continue on, trudging through the mud (so deep in some parts that I could suffocate), because that is what I believe in.

I only wish that I had never listened to people who never knew me. Never knew the true depth of my soul, and chose to hold my “pain” over my head and taunt me.

In the long run though, I suppose their pain has been (and will be) worse than mine. Struggling to find yourself and your worth is a daunting journey, and one that I don’t envy.

Even with the last six months (or the two years before that), I am wonderfully happy. The best days are yet to come, and I am thankful I know what that mud feels like.

“We all have something that digs at us,
At least we dig each other
So when weakness turns my ego up
I know you’ll count on the me from yesterday
If I turn into another
Dig me up from under what is covering
The better part of me”

It’s nice to remember this with a smirk, because even though I was proud to have owned this, I am happier to be removed from it and the insecure people behind it. I was right, the best days were coming:)

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