The weight of an empty room.

Looking down at the calendar today, I realize that it is May 14th, and we are so close to 2014 being halfway over already. Is this what getting old feels like? Looking at the calendar one day and realizing that time is flying by while you’re just (kind of)…sitting there? The answer to that question gives me anxiety.

I haven’t written an update lately, because whenever I start one, I realize that I do not have as much to say as I thought. So much of what goes on, happens in my head, and so much of that is as shocking as it is uninteresting. I am going to give this a good shot today, so let’s see what happens.

The biggest change thus far has been my move to Tacoma a few weeks ago. My moving thirty minutes south of Seattle has made a lot of people cringe and wonder WHY I chose to leave the city, but the main reason was simply that my lease in Seattle was up, and it was time to find another place to live. It has not been a secret to anyone that I love to travel, and saving money was another big reason I chose to leave the city. I (very carefully) weighed the idea of leaving my neighborhood and friends with the knowledge that I would be saving over four hundred dollars a month on rent alone and thus have more money to go on trips. I definitely miss everything about living in downtown Seattle, but if I ever decide to leave Washington for good, this was a necessary first step for me. Deep down I really do not feel like the choice was hard, and while the commute is still an hour each way every day, I have discovered some great podcasts and really enjoy that quiet hour in the morning and evening.

During the past two days, I have devoured a podcast from Freakonomics called “Why Marry?”, and it’s given me a lot to think about. So much of my early twenties was dominated by thoughts of the future, an idea that I often lived for instead of living in the moment, and now that I am nearly thrity the idea of marriage is less appealing to me. I smile at the idea of having a person with which to share my life, but I cringe at the idea of being tied to anything or anyone for the rest of it. I do not want to settle down, I do not want to give up the idea of a nomadic lifestyle filled with fresh experiences and adventure, and I do not want to give up myself. It is that last part that is probably the most important, because I know better than most how people can change throughout the years, and I do not want to give that part of myself up for fear that someone might believe I sold them a lie about who I am. What I want out of my life right now will change in the next five years, and finding someone who enjoys the journey as much as I do has been the most difficult experience I have had.

Commitment is the other part I struggle with, because I cannot even commit to staying in one city at this point, let alone pledging my life to a person with feelings. I have found that I’ve become more fearless as I’ve gotten older, but also more cold as well, choosing my own way instead of defaulting to someone else and their way of thinking. Part of the podcast discussed the commitment of marriage and how the vows you take (presumably before God) are more of an emotional commitment, rather than a business commitment. This discussion veered off into interesting territory, exploring the idea behind a “marriage contract” between two people instead of “vows”, which definitely intrigues and inspires me. Expecting the someone will always feel the same way, about life or love or even yourself, is a huge and scary gamble to make; divorce being what it has become in this country, I would say that you’re almost (almost, I am not a fatalist here) destined for failure. Sitting down with your significant other before marrying and discussing expectations, setting goals and recognizing that marriage isn’t all about “love” should be a mandatory thing, and taking it a step further by putting it in a contract (to be re-examined and renewed 5-10 years in the future) sounds like an amazing idea. For me at least.

Well, this has entered into a weird space. Let’s move on.

I spent four days in Los Angeles last week with friends, and it was the most amazing time I have ever spent in that city. We bought an old kite from a dusty old shop to fly on the beach, we saw a comedy show, had drinks, discussed television, Dungeons & Dragons, had more drinks, got breakfast at my favorite place. It was the fresh air I needed in my life, the people I needed and the sunshine I needed. More and more I am finding that I deserve a change in my life, and not because I am unhappy but maybe turning thirty has me a bit nervous, so it could be time for a lot of changes and leaps of faith.

It can only get better from here right?

One comment

  1. I connected with every paragraph of your mind’s wanderings. Thank you for writing today. Cheers!

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