Babylon.

“When you get the courage
you’ll swim beyond the waves
and the stillness of the ocean
will make all fear go away.”

This has been a hard entry to write. It has taken me a couple of days to get my thoughts in order and the end result isn’t even something I am totally satisfied with, but here it goes.

In almost every way, moving to LA has been as easy as I imagined it would be. Leaving Seattle was hard, but I did not cry when driving out of the city. Leaving behind my cat for the time being was hard, but I know I will see him when I go up there to bring him back to LA with me. Leaving my friends and my old job was hard, but I have made lifelong friendships that will continue to follow me wherever I end up settling. In almost every way, everything has happened just as I envisioned it would, proving the point that if you can actually will things into existence.

The hardest part about moving, something as unexpected as it is irritating, have been the reactions of people close to me. I did not anticipate being as busy and exhausted as I have ended up at the end of every day since moving, and my emotional tank has been running on empty for quite awhile now. Every single ounce of energy has been spent learning to navigate my new job, getting to know the people I work with and sitting in traffic to and from work. I have not had the time to keep in touch with people in Seattle, unless I am responding to an email someone sent me, and I barely text or answer my phone anymore because my current work/life balance is so overwhelming. For reasons I cannot comprehend, this actually pisses people off and the guilt texts I have been receiving have reached critical mass. It is almost as though they don’t realize that it is my life that changed so drastically, and that my life is the one I dumped out and started reorganizing.

My sister told me that “grace would see me understand that not everyone understands” what I am doing with my life, and that makes me so angry. The idea that I should have ‘grace’ for other people in this situation, that I should be thoughtful about their feelings and needs just blows my mind. I made this change for myself, and if there was ever a time to be selfish it is here in this moment because I am the one who is actively living these changes; I am the one who dumped things out and started reorganizing. I do not currently hold the mental capacity to process how everyone else feels about my life, how they wish I would communicate more, how they believe I owe it to them to try harder to be a better friend, daughter, sister or whoever I am to them. What’s more: I do not believe I owe anyone an explanation for my absence in the last few weeks. For the last damn time, I am busy, tired and overwhelmed.

 From my last entry:

“I often feel like I am on some important mission in my life, and that if I wait long enough, eventually all will become clear and reveal itself to be part of some great plan.  This has always been a problem in my life, not especially for me, but for people that I am close to because I live with a continuous urge to run off into the world for adventure.  Try as they might, they just cannot understand what it is that moves me and makes me feel like a whole person, and some days I cannot summon the energy to explain it again. These last few months have specifically highlighted the fact that I do not enjoy explaining myself any longer and feeling like I need to prove that what I want for my life is valid, as much as I realize that other people might need it, I cannot do it any more. This will be the last time. We do what we have to do to be free.”

2 comments

  1. I applaud you. Having done major moves before like you have (all life is turned upside down and shaken out– good description), I hear ya. Take your time. Hoard your energy and whatever else you want/need to. And kudos for not even implying an “I’m sorry” in this post– you have nothing to apologize for. But you already knew that. :o)

    And holy hell, who knew sitting in traffic could be so exhausting!? Right? Gotta be the most draining way to sit on your ass POSSIBLE.

  2. I’ve said often since moving to Portland that I can’t help but feel guilty not keeping in better touch with friends and family back home but it has been so liberating! I am living my life and so absorbed in it, and so happy, it’s terrible having to feel guilty because other people need more time than you need of them. Even saying that feels unsettling. This is just my experience. I have friends and family who I love dearly and who I know will be there for me always as I will be for them and I am fully able to allow us all to live separate adult lives without the crutch of weekly or monthly talks and check ups. I think that is just the way I view friendship and it’s hard for me to conform to what someone else’s idea of a friend, or sister, or daughter should be while feeling true to myself and happy with how I am living. I am trying to be okay with the thought that I am allowed to be selfish because I am happy and busy with a happy life that I am making for myself and on my own. Not everyone understands, but hopefully they see it is good for me to take my space and just be. Change is rough on some more than others, I think you and I enjoy it more than our families. Perhaps. Feel better and enjoy LA (when you find the time;) )

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