I have been working on another post for two weeks now, and it has not come together the way I hoped it would. I have been struggling lately because I really dislike this time of year, no matter how much I try to force myself to feel differently. I will finish the other post soon.
However, I went looking for inspiration and I found this old post from 2011 which resonates with me so clearly today. Perhaps it is a narcissistic thought, but I am so grateful for this blog and the past I have documented here. Some days it really helps.
Letter to my past self-February 23rd, 2011
Dear Past Self,
You have certainly annoyed me, but man, I love you. You have this hunger for life that cannot be matched by anyone you know, and your ambitions have always driven you to succeed, I admire you a lot.
You might think your pain will always follow you in this life, but I assure you that it won’t. You will go through these dark periods, where you become sure that nobody will ever understand, but if I may convince you otherwise, always trust the deepest parts of your heart. You know that you’re never alone, and one day, this realization will carry you through some pretty tough situations.
Please don’t beat yourself up about not finishing school. I promise that there is a reason why you left in the first place, even if it makes you feel like something of a failure right now. You’ve got goals, and are easily self taught, so don’t let yourself get caught up in the idea that you’re “not good enough”. We all carve our own paths in this world, and you have the gift of making the most of whatever path you choose to walk on.
Let people love you. Let them tell you that you’re smart and beautiful without brushing them off, because you are those things. Please know that it’s okay to let someone love and adore you, and it’s okay to feel the same in return. I know you sometimes feel like this display of emotion isn’t what’s “real”, but I swear on the stars, it is. One day, you’ll be in the most secure relationship you’ve ever been in, and you’ll be telling yourself that this is where life was leading you. So relax, and enjoy yourself until then!
Also, (can I quote Oasis here?) “don’t look back in anger”. You are one of THE most stubborn women I know, and you can’t allow some things to die quickly. Always remember that people are crappy sometimes, but they’re still people. With thoughts and emotion and sincerity, and if someone wants to apologize or make amends with you, let them. We are all capable of change (including you), so learn to let things go, and move forward happily. You’ve always looked good with a smile.
You have a spark, which will be your enemy at times. Never let yourself forget how huge this world is, and how one situation doesn’t dominate the story of your life. You tend to get “swept away” in your emotions, and though this will never fade, you’ll learn to separate the radical ideas from the practical ones. Be patient with yourself, with people you love, and even with people you rarely give a second thought to. Life does get easier, and starts to make more sense eventually, just be patient.
Remember when you realized that you “knew a little secret” about the Universe? Remember how alive you felt in that moment, and the moments since then?
Hold on to that forever.
All my love,
Your Future Self