I have some serious cleaning up to do.
My world has been an absolute mess lately, with me in the middle, trying desperately to keep it under control and in order. It keeps coming though, so fast that I can’t stop anything that’s happening….and all I want to do is HALT! And regain control.
Jonathan and I haven’t been boyfriend/girlfriend for a long time, and yet, somewhere deep down I know that he loves me. All his angry words, all his stupid lies, all his poor choices…I feel like he’s lost too. Lost in the act of trying not to drown completely in the mess that has become our reality (our separate realities, but still strangely united in our personal struggles for balance), and though he’d never admit it, he hurts. He is also my best friend, and without even thinking about it, I turn to him before I turn to anyone else. Even when it’s him that’s hurt me, he’s the only one I want to be there.
I can’t give up on him. I refuse to be “that friend”, I refuse to let him be lost.
But that is not the only issue in my life, and by comparison, if that was all I had to go through, I could handle it.
I was (recently) befriended by someone I never should have trusted. I had been warned by so many people, but I pressed on anyway, because my heart told me that everyone deserves a chance. Everyone deserves a chance to prove themselves worthy…or unworthy. In this case, I was the most wrong I have ever been, and I’ve been paying for the mistake every single day.
The funny part? She still thinks she hasn’t done anything wrong. She still believes that she was “a good friend to me”, and that OTHER people are to blame for the way this has turned out. She doesn’t see how selfish she is, how utterly manipulative she is, and most of all…how desperately lost she is. Her entire identity is wrapped up in how other people view her, and every move is calculated and vengeful. It would make me sad, if I wasn’t seeing red from the hatred.
In being blind to the world around me, I let myself believe that everything is beautiful, even when it’s not. Finally being able to see has shown me the ugly side of truth. God, I wish truth could be pure and without pain…
In another situation entirely, I have hurt one of the best people I know. I didn’t do it intentionally, but the facts are the same. I am simply not in a place that easily allows my affections to blossom. I have spent the last eight months dealing with myself and allowing myself to fall into a place I NEVER wanted to see again, trying hard not to slip away, not to give in. It’s been a rocky ride, but I’d be stupid to let myself think nobody had been there for me in the process. He was, and I will be forever thankful for what our friendship taught me, while silently mourning it’s departure.
At this point, I have been unable to find the peace and stability that I really need. I can’t seem the make the pieces line up the way I want, and that is frustrating and hard to swallow. I catch fleeting glimpses of the answer, but a person can’t grasp smoke, and I can’t force my soul to figure shit out.
I’m not lost though. And thank god for that. I’m confused, irritated, sad, and searching…but I am not lost. This road is far easier to walk than ones of the past, and it’s familiar.
“Alice’s delusions of Wonderland soon came to an end when she started to believe that she could fly…”
(let’s hope this third time really IS the charm)