Praying for rain.

“Love is not blind – it sees more, not less. But because it sees more, it is willing to see less.”

I just want to be happy.

When I made that choice (the choice to be happy), I let go of a lot of things. A lot of anger, a lot of sadness, and every shred of my anxiety. I can drink coffee again without the fear of what it’ll do to me, and I can smile easily, laugh freely. Making that choice and taking that leap was the best thing I ever did for myself (well, lately anyway) and I did it alone. I came to that point on my own, and went through the motions alone. It liberated me.

I forgot what I was leaving though.

A swirling vortex of anger, hurt, and pain. Sucking me down into confusion, pulling me in every direction, jerking every emotion I have ever felt around in my head until I don’t know which way my happiness went. That vortex has been my home for years, and I’ve become accoustomed to the chaos…that craziness has been all that I’ve known of love. Of reality. Trying to break free of that vortex is similar to surfing in a storm, but that is what my imagination tells me.

Just when I think I’ve made it, when my legs are on firm ground again, the pull starts up again. Pulling into what I almost died trying to escape from, going from calm to raging in two seconds flat, all the while trying to force our memories down my throat. “See? See what we had? I know living in this hell isn’t the best for you, but it’s the best for ME…who will I jerk around when you’re gone? You’re the only one who has ever stayed for my storm.”

god. You suck Vortex, you suck so bad. (no pun intended…but even I’ll admit, that WAS good).

I’m just trying to be happy. To not drown in those waters for another three years of my life. I’m just looking for the good, the amazing, the calm that doesn’t associate itself with the storm. I thought I had found everything I had ever wanted, and now that vortex has started pulling that away too. Yanking it away from me with every dirty trick it has, and continuing to remind me of what I chose in the beginning…and how it’s not letting me forget.

Today is going to be long.
This week is going to be long.
I need to get away.

“Well there’s far too many questions to ask,
To answer any of them tonight.
For I wear too many masks,
To tell if any of them are wrong or right.
And confusion casts a shadow upon me,
Like a great big cloud in the sky.
And now I pray for rain,
Cause it’s been so long since I let myself cry.”

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