I have been tearing myself up for the past two weeks. Emotions running in every single direction, and running wild.

In my head and in my heart, I have been happy. Happy because I am allowing myself that happiness, and allowing other people to be a part of my life. People who are more than worthy, and often too amazing for the chaos that is currently following me. If I were any kind of woman, I would walk away right now and spare the feelings of those around me, but I’m not. So I can’t.

I am entirely too selfish, it seems.

I’ve been waiting for the break. The sun after the storm, the first few rays of hope…and it finally happened. Not as intense as I’d like it to be, but nonetheless, I feel a small sense of relief.

And sadness…but that passes with time.

I’ve been played. For two weeks, I have been played like a cheap disposable toy. This realization spins me into new lows, mixed with relief, mixed with…hurt. I want to cry some more, I want to be angry, I want to walk away.

Instead, I sit here. On this blog because this blog is my friend, my sounding board, my safe harbor from lies. I sit here knowing that tomorrow, I won’t breathe a word of this to anyone, and that I’ll probably cry again. For what I lost, and for what I keep losing.

Sometimes, I just want to disappear.
One day, I might.