Sick to my stomach.

I’m remembering.

I wish I hadn’t started that walk this morning, that disgusting walk down memory lane that never ceases to make my stomach turn. “Maybe I like the pain”…or maybe somewhere deep down, I know that I need that reminder from time to time.

I wish I could be there for him. I wish I could forgive as easily as I have in the past, but it’s not happening this time. There is no turning back, and I am not that hard up to be loved that I take the love of someone who gives me small pieces and expects me to survive. I’m strong enough to know that I CAN survive and that I deserve the best this world has to offer me, even when it hurts. Even when forgetting is impossible.

Deep down, I knew.

I knew he wasn’t right for me. I knew we’d never get married. I knew he didn’t love me like I loved him, and like I deserved. I could see his desire to become better, I could see that HE knew better, but he still hasn’t been able to shake those demons…and one day, I pray that he can.

The lies, the deep deep pain he knowingly caused, the terrible words, the pathetic attempts to make it right. None of these things are my fault, and yet, I still want to fix him. To make him happy.

I need to let go, be free, be happy again. I need to put distance between myself and most significant part of my life for the past three years. I need to breathe again, carve my own path on my own terms, and remember how to trust. That is the most important (trust), because I have forgotten how to do it, and what it really means to a relationship.

I think I will always mourn the loss of my best friend. For a time, he was the only family I knew. My constant, my passion, my line to a world that I desparately wanted (and needed) to know. There are no easy outs, no easy goodbye. The idea of causing him any pain, deserved or not, brings me to my knees. I cannot knowingly turn my back on someone I love, whether that love is the same as it used to be, or has slowly evolved into a fondness and friendship. I love Jon.

I will always love Jon.

It doesn’t change anything though. I’m not going back, I’m not giving anymore chances to tear my heart to pieces, I’m not wandering those roads blind. Not again. The sickness in my stomach proves that what I went through was real and painful, that I didn’t imagine the lies and broken promises, that I DO deserve the perfection that I’ve found.