Whenever I’m feeling confused, whenever I start to forget, I go back.
I go back to those days, those moments, those words. I can’t allow myself to forget…forgiveness is divine, but I won’t (can’t) let myself forget what was done. What can never be undone or washed away.
It’s too important.
What’s also important is too remember what was genuine, what WAS good. There were so many moments, so many honest days when we didn’t believe life would ever end the way it did. When I could have stayed forever, believing the truth, acknowledging the love. I could have (would have) stayed if it hadn’t been for fate. It was always meant to happen this way, nothing was accidental.
I’m not sure if that makes the pain better or worse.
Time will tell.
All my pictures from the last four years, all my music, all my memories are filled with what used to be. How does one turn away from that? Learn to forgive and forget? Learn to trust and breathe again? You don’t…not right away. And certainly not seven months into it. The good days pick back up again, the mind starts to clear, the heart begins to heal…but it took years to build, and so it’ll take years to clean up.
We accept the love we think we deserve.
True true true.
I feel guilty and sad.
And that statement is why.
“I’d drive my car off of the bridge
If I knew that you weren’t inside
Put the pedal to the floor, who could ask for more
A fantastic way to kill some time”