Anything worth knowing leaves bruises.

Tennessee was good. I saw who I wanted to see, made special time for others, and enjoyed the company of my family until the very last second. It was vacation, and it was well deserved.

I am so proud of my little brother:) I’m seven years older than him, and he is the last one to graduate. He is also one of the most amazing guys I know, and watching him throw his hat and hug his friends…amazing.  Four more years, and we’ll have another graduation for him:)

It’s wonderful to be back in my apartment. Coming home to this:

Incredible. I was always meant to live here, I belong in Washington.

Still, the clarity that going back to Tennessee brought me? Priceless. Here are the notes from my phone:

Morning coffee. Old Starbucks. Honeysuckle all the time. Sweet smelling air. Mountain lightening bugs. Our cliff. Beers with best friends. A walk around the golf course at night. Amigos. Sonic blasts. The Mellow Mushroom. The love of my life.

I had to make notes, so I wouldn’t forget a single thing. I needed to put it out there, into the universe. A well deserved vacation:)

—–

Anything worth knowing leaves bruises? So true.

I realized today that no matter how much breaking up with Jon hurt, “moving on” doesn’t mean that it still won’t hurt. It only means that I’m not placing blame, and I am not continuing to dwell on what could have been versus what actually was.  It only means that after three years of loving someone so much that it tore me apart, I am still standing and moving forward.

It doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt sometimes.

Like today, when I suddenly got the sick feeling that he was seeing Jennifer. The girl that he “wanted” more than me, the girl I thought was a friend, the girl I had a “feeling” about months before I actually knew. I suddenly got a feeling this morning, and it wouldn’t let up. It caused me more pain than it actually might have if it had been anyone else, and that fact shocked and unnerved me. I want Jonathan happy, happier than he was with me, and as happy as I have been these past nine months. I want him to feel free, light, and happy…I just don’t want it to be her. The one he swore meant nothing, the one he wanted to forget about with all his heart. The one I know, deep down, could never be good enough for him.

Somewhere in the back of my mind, I feel like this is history repeating somehow. Not my history, but his. It makes me sad, not only for him and I, but for the friendships I might have had…and lost.

None of this makes any sense. Sorry for naming names…but I am way past caring:) What’s done is done, right?

The storm is coming but I don’t mind
People are dying, I close my blinds

All that I know is I’m breathing now

I need to go grocery shopping, but I can’t stop watching old episodes of Grey’s Anatomy.

Hello Monday. Hello…

2 comments

  1. happy feet · · Reply

    You were always the best for him. EVERYONE knows it. Jon constantly retreats back to the past because there is nothing in his future that he can see… (Only because he refuses to look, not because there can’t be… something) You may know his talents at their best. Sparrows make you sick. But just like your unkind words did to me… you will eventually reach that light at the end of the tunnel and the thought will bring nothing but a smile. Not because you miss him, but because you know you are better off without him. And at that very moment, you will find peace. No matter what others say or do. YOU will be whole again.

    Life is full of lessons. Learn from this. You are better than you settle for. Get to the light. Don’t just look at it from afar.

  2. kimmy:) · · Reply

    i love castle :) glad u had a good vacay and even moooore glad ur back!! see u at girls night beezy!!

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