Drafts.

I write often, sometimes about nothing at all, and sometimes about so much that I regret it later.

Still, there are many things I start and never finish. These are the entries I started because I was “in it”, and needed to get my thoughts out before I exploded…the things that rarely made my “published” list.

I don’t have a lot to write about today, mostly because it’s Monday and I already wrote yesterday, and partially because I am just not feelin’ it this afternoon. I wanted to post though, so I started looking through entries from this time, last year. Those entries were along the lines of what I expected, so I turned to my drafts. Autosaved entries that I never finished and never published.

2009:

“A decade ago,
I never thought I would be,
at twenty-three, on the verge of
spontaneous combustion. -Woe-is-me.-
But I guess that it comes
with the territory,
An ominous landscape of
never-ending calamity.
I need you to hear,
I need you to see
that I have had all I can take and
exploding seems like an imminent possibility
to me.

It has recently occured to me (or re-occured) that I know a lot of selfish people. Also, that I could BE one of those people.”

“Has it only been an hour since I wrote last?

I’m stuck in my head, and here is what it’s like:

Ingrid is singing.”

“The past few days have me plagued with memories.

Completely out of the blue, completely unprovoked, and completely random. Memories of cliff jumping in Cali, the circle hall in high school, the Jem concert in Nashville, driving down Standifer Gap at 70mph.

Seriously, it’s like my brain won’t shut up.

I’ve been having fleeting glimpses of breaking up with Rick, the O.C soundtrack in my car, driving to Harrison Bay State Park with Jeremy, camping with our raccoons. Even farther back, my memories are taking me to Idaho. The smell of burning leaves, the gymnastics balcony, street hockey games, and the asphalt around the Church of the Nazerene. I’m remembering the slide I made in the 10 ft high pile of snow, and the trashy novels I found while exploring the field by my house. The old graveyard from the 1800’s, and the tree fort we made right above it.

In the past twenty four hours, my life has been flashing before my eyes.

It’s a picture show I can’t turn off. One that I’m being forced to watch, even though I’m hoping that writing it all down will make it stop.”

“I am so furious that I am shaking with anger.

On one hand, I should be flattered. Honestly, if I didn’t feel so violated, I would probably laugh…and I still might…later.

I just hate people who act like they’re something they’re not.”

Such random memories. With thoughts I had, but never elaborated on. Happy (official) Solstice:)

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