In a few short weeks, it will be one year.
One year since my life changed completely.
One year since I realized that I am worth more.
One year since everything clicked into place and I became me again.
I wasn’t void of pain for a long time, but it was the first time I could see an end to it. The first time I even dared to hope it would end completely. In our darkest moments and days, we wonder where the hell God is, and if He even exists, because how can He be “love” and let us feel so hopeless? Those dark doubting moments, in hindsight, are beautiful.
Afterwards, I would write this:
“I am completely on fire.
From the inside out, I can feel myself burning and I am loving every wild second. Loving.
In the past 48 hours, everything has changed. I am happy for this fact, elated even, and I can’t stop myself from counting the hours until tomorrow afternoon. I feel myself smiling for no apparent reason, I feel the old butterflies (I thought they had disappeared) in my stomach, and there is no way I coming down from this high.
My day was wonderful. My weekend was wonderful. And everything has changed. This is what I waited for…this is where life was leading me.
I cannot help but mourn for the loss of everything else. Everything I had wanted, had hoped for, had worked for. It wasn’t for nothing, and even now in this moment, I can tell I am going to miss it. I crossed the bridge, but I refuse to burn it. I hope that doesn’t hurt later.
Either way, I will continue to burn. With happiness, with pride, and with the calm assurance that I am okay.”
Those feelings haven’t disappeared, only intensified. It’s taken me awhile to grasp that it’s been an entire YEAR, and everything has only gotten better with time, not worse.
Work left me reeling yesterday, with a headache that wanted to put me out. Today, I get to be reminded of what really matters. So thank you.
Fall is truly the best season.