I wish I could convey an annoyed sigh through type. Words will just have to suffice.
I was driving home last night, letting my mind wander the way it usually does, while the music on my stereo filled my car. The thoughts kept coming: my sister, the holidays, the ice on the road, Thanksgiving dinner, the video shoot I watched at work, my birthday plans…etc. I started thinking about meeting a friend for happy hour, how much of a big deal it wasn’t, and how big a deal people might make it. My mind spiraled for awhile, but then it hit me, completely out of nowhere.
I only forgive people when I feel like it. There. That’s out in the universe now. I have no method in choosing the people I forgive for the shitty things they’ve done, and the people I don’t. I have no explanation as to why I choose to give some people two or three (sometimes four) chances to “make things right” with me, and give other people zero. I only forgive people when I feel like it, when my heart says “Oh, what the hell, let’s give this another go”, and I won’t apologize for that. I am passionate, emotional, and entirely insane sometimes.
Here is the way I see it (what was finally put into words last night as I drove home):
There is a whole fucking world out there. An amazing, huge, all consuming world that is full of billions of people. There are people in England, Italy, Brazil, Africa, New Zealand….people I may never meet in my entire lifetime, that could probably hurt me or irritate me, or make me see as much red as people I’ve already known. There is always going to be someone that can do something shitty to me, but if I don’t forgive it and move on, I’m just holding on to it. I’m just carrying it around with me, letting it get in the way of different relationships with different people, and the way I view myself.
I am notorious for giving second, third, and sometimes fourth chances when people say I shouldn’t. Luckily however, I am me (not other people), and I will always do what feels right in my bones. What people have to say about the choices I make doesn’t matter, especially when it comes to forgiving people and moving on from whatever haunted the past.
F is for: