Break Free.

I am still on hiatus.

But I had to share this, because I found it this morning, and because it was exactly six years ago today that I wrote it.

I remember that day so clearly, because it’s a day that changed my life. I think it’s the day where I finally decided what kind of person I wanted to be, and it was the honest and true beginning of the path I’ve been on since then.

This is significant for so many personal reasons, so today, I had to share.

March 03, 2005
I just saw the most incredible film I have ever seen in my entire life. And not for it’s amazing composition, or even for it’s initial content.

No. It’s incredible for so many more reasons.

It made me think about my life. Seriously. I sat, and seriously thought about my life-what it contains and where the container sat.

I have lived my entire life in such a unaware state. I don’t think much outside my own little world of comprehension, and I’ve always been fine with that.

Hell, until today, I didn’t even fucking realize that I did that.

I have always prided myself on being “open minded” and “aware of the world”…and until tonight, I held that close to me and thought it a reason to think myself intelligent. I don’t live for every moment, I don’t stop every time I see something beautiful, and I don’t store away every happy moment in my life in that special box-o-memories in my head.

And damn. I should.

There is an entire fucking world out there that I am not even a part of, a world that I completely unaware of, and a world that will continue to exist without my knowledge. I have been content to sit here in my nice little box and bitch and complain that I feel shitty when I could have been out moving and seeing and feeling.

I call myself a Christian, but what the hell is that anyway? Do I even know what it is to actually believe in something as important as the beginning of time or a Maker so incredible that there isn’t a human on earth that can fathom existence to it’s fullest extent?

I can guarantee that there will be people who will read this and not understand a fucking thing I’m talking about. I don’t know if I even understand. We’re so sheltered that a single event that takes place outside that shelter is instantly shunned. Shun me. I can take it.

I have been sucked in to this generic pattern of living that has fueled the existence of mankind for millions of years, and this realization burns deep in the very core of the girl who lives my life.

Try it. Try honestly stepping outside yourself and looking around. I bet you a million dollars that you aren’t able to do it, and if you are one of those lucky people who have the ability to do so, what do you see? Are you disgusted with your contentment to stay sitting in the same place you’ve been sitting? Are you angry because you realized that you’re in place that you may never leave? Have you looked at the sky lately and smiled because you recognize the sun?

“Whatever your vision of God, embrace it. Believe. Live.”

I have got to get out of the place that I have stayed in for far too long. My view of the world slowly drew into the shade when I wasn’t looking, and I’ve been sitting cold for longer than I needed to.

Confused? Such is life.

The movie: Tarnation

This day was the single most important day in my entire life (so far), and I have lived every second afterwards remembering it and trying to embody that girl. The one who finally “realized a secret about the Universe”. I still own this movie, and I still own these words.

And I am so damn proud.

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