I wrote daily for years. On June sixth, it will have been eight years since my first internet post, and since I have a lot going on in my life right now (none of which I find fitting to share just yet), I think I’ll start posting random entries from years past.
And I do mean, years past.
This entry is (obviously) from 2004, and I wrote it during a time when I hadn’t the slightest clue what kind of person I was or would become. I was desperate, to figure out my unhappiness, to figure out my path….anything. I hadn’t even been out of school for a year, and I was so lost and sad that I went through periods of time where I could barely look people in the eye. It was also when I started dating Rick, the first man I can remember loving with every bit of myself, and the person I wanted to be better for. I had already been going to church, and though the Adventist church (and Rick) hurt me later, I will (forever) thank those people for showing me what it really means to love myself…and love someone else.
I wrote this letter to God in tears, hoping, praying that whatever internal pain I was going through would be relieved by doing so.
January 15th, 2004
It seems rather strange to address you that way, but I consider you a friend. While somewhat distant these days, indeed a friend.
I’ve been really confused lately, and I was wondering if I could talk to you about it. I’ve tried prayers, and just normal talking, but it doesn’t seem like you’re hearing me. So I’m writing you a letter…I hope it gets to you.
I’ve never really understood what you are all about. I’ve tried hard to listen during bible studies and focus when I pray, but my attention tends to wander and that makes me feel terrible. I don’t want you to think that I don’t care, because I really do, but I’m having trouble understanding you.
I’ve been told that you know everything about me: where I’ve been, where I will end up, my thoughts (both bad and good) and most importantly, how I feel about you. The last one is what makes me fear you sometimes. I don’t know how I feel about you. How can you love me, knowing that I doubt you and your very existence sometimes? I ask you to help me understand, but the days go by…and I still don’t get it. Where are you? Are you trying to make this hard for me? And if so, then why?
I ask you to help me understand myself, Lord, and you are nowhere to be found. Is all of this part of your plan for me? I’m sorry to say this, but your plan is hurting me. I’m trying to do the right things and act the way I know you want me to, but if I screw up, do you get mad and leave?
I need your guidance. I need your support. I’m trying to do my devotionals, and studies, and going to church. If I don’t always do them though, are you mad at me?
And what about all those things I did in my past? I’m so ashamed of them, and I want to forget them. They just stay with me though. I read a lot about how you’re going to “judge people” when you come…and it scares me that I could be one of those people. If I can’t even forgive myself, how can you?
There are even things that I’m doing now that I know I shouldn’t. Is that why you aren’t around anymore? Are you upset because I’m not thinking of you first? I’m so sorry if that’s the case, I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. I just don’t feel you anymore. I talk to you everyday and ask you to be with me, but I don’t feel you.
All of this is hurting me, Lord. I’m really frustrated with life, and I’m getting mad and pushing those people away that I need. My diet could be better and my sleeping habits are laughable. I feel like you’ve abandoned me, just when I’m starting to learn about you.
My intentions are true, and hopefully you see that. Please come back when you’re ready, I promise I’ll still be here.