This entry from 2006 was written about four months after moving to Washington. I have never made a secret of my love for this state, and I have made it a point over the years to remind people that this was my choice, and mine alone. Nobody wanted me to leave Tennessee, and looking back, I didn’t have a great reason for going. I had best friends, people who understood me down to the very core and loved me for it, and I had my family that I was able to see on a daily basis.
I had a job, I was doing well in school, and I just picked up in the middle of the year and left.
I have always been a restless soul, and I wanted more out of my life. It has been the greatest passion of mine: to live, and breathe, and exist. I have never expected anyone to understand me based on that statement, but I have tried my best to put it into “real” words. Some days, trying to justify why I moved here with no friends and only one family member…some days it got exhausting.
I wrote these entries for awhile.
April 29, 2006
The pain is intense.
I didn’t realize how far I had gone until today, and once it hit me, it hit hard.
I seemed to have forgotten last year and how far I came personally. I seemed to have forgotten those days when I was so utterly thankful for the beauty before my eyes. I seemed to have forgotten what I thought life was all about, and I seemed to have left behind the things that kept me the person I had always wanted to be.
I always write about change. I always write about truth. I always sit here and contemplate how things really are and how I really see things. How honest have I been with myself though?
How much have I given up, left behind, and even deliberately turned my back on? A lot.
And I didn’t even realize it until today.
I forgot about all those days that were spent exploring truth, love, and the world. I have turned into a figment of my former self, and all the while….believing that my changes were for the better. I tricked myself into believing many things, and I forgot what was most important.
That feeling of standing on the edge of a cliff in the middle of a place that few people know exist. Of inhaling the air, and realizing that if you decided to jump for the sole purpose of wanting to fly because you are so incredibly full of love for life, that it wouldn’t matter.
Because you once lived.
I have let something go. For many reasons which I am now aware of, and for many reasons I had convinced myself were good and true. It just hurts to know that the entire time I was talking about what is “good” and “true”….I was lying to myself.