Diaryland is the first website I ever used for journaling (blogging?), for about four years, it was my safe place. Long before myspace, facebook, blogger, or even Livejournal…I had Diaryland, and a good portion of myself can still be found there. That’s the great thing about the internet, everything you write is there forever, or until you delete it. One of the main rules I’ve set for myself is to never hide, which means “no deleting”, and no password protecting. I’ve made the choice to put myself into the internet universe, and if I don’t want people to know, I should write in a personal journal that I keep under my bed or somewhere just as clever.
Obviously, I’ve slipped a few times, and given into to deleting and protecting and general “hiding”, but a vast majority of everything I have ever written is still there. And here.
This entry is the last one I ever wrote on Diaryland, and like so many times before, I felt safe there. I had been writing on myspace for about a year, and the intense drama that came out of myspace was often draining. I used to wish (often) that I could go back to when everything made “sense”, and there was no time in my life (up to that point) that made as much sense as when I was in California. I think I will be able to go back to that summer for the rest of my life, and recognize that as a defining point in time, and nobody can ever tarnish it. In 2007 though, I was terrified that I was losing everything I had learned, and it hurt on such a deep and personal level.
So glad I’m past this stage:)
April 21, 2007
Hello Diaryland. How long has it been now?
Many, many months. At least.
For now, I am finding solace in the privacy you provide. Away from the judgemental eyes of myspace, and the people who read my blog for selfish reasons.
So, here. Copy and pasted because of a fleeting second thought I had before posting it there. Thank goodness for those…
I live a beautiful life. I know beautiful people. I see and expect beautiful things.
And still, the tears that threaten to fall at this moment are filled with more pain and love than I could ever imagine.
I believe in Jesus, I do. I believe there was a man so wonderful and beautiful that he created such an amazing world. A man who gave, who loved others so completely, and who’s greatest gift was the knowledge that faith can move mountains. Faith and Love.
The day that I started to learn who I was, was the day that I accepted those things. Science can only teach us the intricacies of our bodies and minds, it will never be able to explain how. To deny that the creation of earth ever existed is to deny yourself. Easily.
We are the earth.
Some of the happiest times of my life were spent in deep conversation about God and Life. Some of the best days I have ever lived were spent running around outside under the trees in deep appreciation for the earth beneath my feet. Currently, my soul aches for those times….times that I’ve missed in the last year, and times that I’m afraid I’ll never see again.
Life changes. Time changes.