Twenty Five. With Sixteen ‘Working’ Days.

“It’s not true. Some have great stories, pretty stories that take place at lakes with boats and friends and noodle salad. Just no one in this car. But, a lot of people, that’s their story. Good times, noodle salad. What makes it so hard is not that you had it bad, but that you’re that pissed that so many others had it good.”

I just saw a bird eat a butterfly. Strange.

It’s been a busy day, with a lot happening everywhere around me. I have always felt happy with work swirling around, and though today is no exception, I just feel sick.

Lately, my nightly dreams have consisted of people and things I don’t want to think about. All jumbled up in a confusing mess, and waking from it is always the best part. I have always had a problem with nightmares, so realistic sometimes that I feel like I live a double life. Last night, I woke too many times, on the verge of running for the bathroom. It never happened, but I almost wish that it had, and I couldn’t have started the day on a better foot.

When I was nineteen, I was dating Rick Leffler. He was the one who started my life on the path it is now, the one guy I will always wish I could still have in my life on some level. I wrote this in June 2005:

“Does it still hurt a little? Heck yes. I can’t change everything, and there will always be a small part of me that hurts. Losing friends is never fun, and I will always wish that I could have closure.”

Six years later, I still wish I could have closure. We never had it, and over the years I wish life wouldn’t have happened the way it did. Honestly, if we hadn’t be so young, and I hadn’t been so closed off, it might have stood the test of time. But then, I wouldn’t have learned those valuable lessons that ended up saving my life later, and I wouldn’t have gone to California and experienced what I did, and I never would have moved to Seattle and met my future in Jeremy. God has always had a better plan, even when I never understood it, and I am extremely thankful that I didn’t end up marrying Rick all those years ago.

Because I absolutely would have.
And then, I wouldn’t be the “me” I am today.

Still, in some way or another, I wish we had closure. I wish we could have been friends, and that he would have learned to forgive as I did. I think this small amount of the past will always bother me on some level, but I’m okay with carrying it. I like “ironing out” my relationships with people, and it bothers me when things are left unsaid.

But life goes on.


  1. Mon Zni · · Reply

    I think you damn well know who my “Rick Leffler” is. And while he and I are Facebook friends . . . I dunno, I guess I never really got from him what I wanted– I wanted to know what he thought about me, from his own lips. I never got it, even when we dated more seriously. I guess I really needed that verbalized, clearly and in detail.

    So, in that sense, there’s never been closure. He’s married, I’m married, but somehow, I would still go to ridiculous lengths if I was promised that, in the end, he would tell me what he thought of me.

    Wow. As I write this, I’m tearing up. I didn’t know that this small issue that shouldn’t even matter, DOES somehow matter. A lot. To me. I don’t even know why.

    1. It’s crazy isn’t it? We are two happy women, with two wonderful men, and yet…

      Somehow, somewhere, that closure matters. It just shows that at one time, we really put ourselves out there and actually loved. There isn’t a single person in my life that I can remember, where having that closure matters so much. It blows me away whenever I think about it, and in some situations, time doesn’t heal all wounds.

      :) Glad you understand.

  2. We all have regrets and want closure from some relationship whether it be a lost love or a friend. Mine personally concerned a friend, where something was said, something was misunderstood and something was never clarified or resolved. For that I will always be looking for closure with that one person. This person is still out there and perhaps our paths will cross again.

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