I was so happy yesterday. Full of so much bliss, and excitement and love. It was my two year anniversary with Jeremy, the day I realized how crazy/head over heels I was (am) for him. How insane our relationship has been, full of incredible amounts of love for each other, and excitement for our future.

I can’t even explain how I woke up feeling, but free is always a nice word for it.

However, this morning I woke up in knots. My brain, my stomach, both tied up in knots and unwilling to let go. My Grandpa died yesterday, and the tears and a strange numbness consumed me last night. I kept my brain on work yesterday, adopting the “business as usual” mindset that is so like my father, and didn’t allow myself to slip. I got off work and cleaned out my car, deep cleaned actually, pulling everything out and making trips to the dumpster. It wasn’t until Jeremy showed up that I really allowed myself to feel anything.

I think that I’m sad my Grandpa is gone, but I’m more sad about the sadness that my entire family is feeling because of it. He was a great man, who raised a great family, and lived a full life. I don’t feel like I’ve “lost” someone I’ve known my whole life, because the rational part of my brain tells me that these things happen, and will continue to happen. There is a place for sadness in losing him, but what it will do to my Grandma in the long run, and what that will do to my family…the ripple effect is just heartbreaking.

I am also a woman of action. It’s true that I allow myself extensive time to live in my head, but I outwardly chose to be active and take charge. I prefer to handle the details, rally people together, lead. As these next four days stretch out ahead of me, I am trying to figure out that role; the role that I am so good at playing, and how I’m going to navigate around the sadness. That’s the biggest part, because I am so unsure of how to handle the tears in the people that I love so much, I’d just as soon remove myself altogether.

sigh.

This is what being a grownup is. So tomorrow and the days that follow, I will be the strong one, putting on the face that I’m so good at.