As little girls, we are made to believe in a Prince Charming and the fairytale life he brings with him. My favorite movie as a child was actually Cinderella, and she lived happily ever after for christ sake, so that is what I wanted too. Never once in my childhood did I think that I would not be a wife or mother some day, because it seemed like a given. Of course I would, because that is what girls do when they ‘grow up’ right? They graduate college, find a good job and a husband, and then have kids to start the cycle all over.
What every person in my life failed to say, and what I didn’t learn until much (much) later, is that I don’t have do to any of those things.
Among those other things, here is a list of things I grew up believing about women:
1. We should have long hair; because without it, I am somehow less feminine.
2. We should wear heels; because without those, I look less confident.
3. We shouldn’t swear; proper ladies do not say the F word.
4. We shouldn’t play video games; those are for boys and lazy, unmotivated people.
5. We shouldn’t drink beer; that’s for boys also apparently.
6. Reading is for nerds.
7. Writing is for nerds.
8. Wearing glasses is for nerds.
9. We should get married.
10. We should have children.
I know there’s more, but those ten ‘things’ are the ones that get to me the most. I don’t like having long hair, mainly because it doesn’t look good on me. I don’t like wearing heels because I am tall, and they make me feel uncomfortable. I swear like a sailor, especially in the environment where I work (which also happens to be: VIDEO GAMES), and I like beer above most other alcoholic drinks. I have said so many times in the past five years that I am terrible girl, choosing my own happiness over what people expect out of me simply because I am a woman. However, the most important part of that list is the end and the fact that I don’t want to get married or have children.
I have had some great relationships and some shitty ones, but I haven’t met one person in this life that has made me want to ‘settle down’ forever. There have been times when I thought I had found that person, but it always turns out the same, and they are either a terrible guy or a great one but I don’t want to settle for it. I also don’t think I should have to, and if I wind up fifty and alone, I will be okay with that. It sounds harsh, but I want someone who wants what I want, and the drive to do it. That is probably the most important part: the motivation. I look at married couples and I think how nice it must be to have found someone who compliments you, who wants what you want and shares your desire to get it. Also, being able to look at someone and know you want to wake up next to them forever, that’s pretty powerful.
The other reason I don’t want to get married? Divorce. It’s almost too easy to get divorced these days, and I don’t trust myself enough to want someone forever. I have too many wild dreams, too many things I want to see, and being with someone who doesn’t share that? It would never work, and it wouldn’t be fair to them if I ran off to chase the wind every six months or so without them. I wouldn’t even want to go without my significant other, but therein lies the problem, because most people do not share those desires or understand them. And that’s who I want beside me.
The ‘having children’ is a separate issue, brought on mostly by the fact that I would make a terrible mother. I might feel differently in five years, but I am far too selfish (obviously) to devote myself to raising a human. That’s real work, man, and I am so unequipped for it. If I met the right guy, the “checks all the boxes” guy, I would seriously revisit my thinking, but I don’t know if that person exists.
My point is, I might be a “terrible girl”, but I am one hell of a woman. Knowing is half the battle, and while everyone else is still trying to figure out their place, at least I can say that I own mine.
Weird shit and all.