Blue Jeans.

This entire post is going to be written under the influence of Lana Del Ray, so I have no idea what’s going to come of it.

My world has been flipped upside down recently. Not entirely unexpected, but it still makes me want to shut off and make a run for it. I keep telling myself that I stay here because I love my job, and that isn’t a lie, but isn’t it possible I could love another job too? Then I tell myself that I would disappoint people by leaving, but what is this life if it isn’t mine? Worrying about others is all fine and good, until they become more important than my own happiness.

God, I am selfish, and I want that to not be a bad thing to everyone.

Four years ago, I was coming off the worst breakup I have ever had. It was bad in so many ways, but mostly because I was so unsure of who I was without him. My whole identity was wrapped up in his problems, and what I could do to fix them for him. He is the reason why I view a lot of things like I do, from music, to alcohol and drugs. He is why I understand people who like to “live in the fast lane”, why I can tolerate them, and why I feel like I should know them. Breaking up with him was a very freeing experience, powerful and liberating in every single way. Four years later, I am standing here wondering about those lasting effects. I took a lot away from that experience, but the biggest thing was to not waste ‘relationship’ time on people who don’t love themselves. The energy it takes to show someone how ‘worth it’ they are isn’t worth it anymore, not at my age, because if they haven’t learned it by now they never will. I guess I have moved past the point in life where I wonder about how ‘worth it’ I am, and I just know. I just know that I am worth something, even if it only ends of mattering to me.

I recently discovered that you don’t have to fight with someone constantly to realize that you’re not right together. Relationships are not black and white, and people actually do grow apart without being forced apart. What seems so right in the beginning can so often change, because people change, and you can transition from lovers into best friends without even realizing it. Or maybe you do realize it, see it as it’s happening, and believe that it’s the natural progression of things.

It’s not. I refuse to believe that, even now.

Like every thing else in my life, I want it all. I want to love my job, I want to travel and see the world, I want to make long/lasting and true friendships. I want to feel comfort in being exactly who I am, around anyone, and know that nobody cares. More than anything, I want to love someone who feels those things too. I want that person to love me because of those things and in spite of those things, and I want someone who wants me too. It’s heartbreaking to look at someone you love, know that they love you back, but finally realize that’s it’s just not enough. Simply loving someone is not enough.

I am on a four year relationship streak. Forget the ‘seven year itch’, four years seems to be my limit, and I hope that it doesn’t take me a lifetime to break that.

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