Burn down the forest.

“Perhaps one did not want to be loved so much as to be understood.”

I spent this past weekend in LA, and it will be my last for quite awhile. I almost regret going down there, but I can’t fully because…well, it was my choice. I just can’t regret what pulls me down to that city, whether it be the energy, the sunshine or something else, whatever it is makes me feel alive and I won’t regret that choice.

I saw good friends down there, great friends who make me laugh and love myself. I didn’t see other friends I hoped to see, because there is just never enough time, and I have finally realized that I can’t do it all no matter how badly I want to. Those first two nights were important, because I danced and sang, laughed a lot and felt good. That was my reason for being there, and in those first 36 hours, I accomplished that on every level.

However, 5:30 pm on Saturday brought everything crashing down again, and I was reminded that no matter how far I run…pain will always find me. Perhaps I am being dramatic, but the ache in my heart and tears in my eyes tell me that what I am feeling is legitimate, stupid or not.

Many people don’t know this, but my ‘boyfriend’ hasn’t kissed me in so long. He hasn’t kissed me and meant it in much longer, and that has left a permanent ache in my heart for nearly two years. He’s my best friend, but I have come to the realization that he doesn’t feel anything for me beyond that, and I have resigned myself to it and the pain that comes with that knowledge. This isn’t a new thing, and this isn’t what this blog is about (well, not directly). It’s a bit of background for what comes next.

Naturally, I have found myself attracted to other people. People who might one day actually like me on the level that my current ‘boyfriend’ does not, as painful as that idea seems. It gives me hope, and it’s not that I seek out attention from other men, it just happens that when I feel that connection that several good conversations bring…I yearn for it all the more. I met someone last year who gave that to me. So many good conversations, so much laughter, and he seemed to appreciate me as a person. I have said this for so long in journal entries that nobody reads, but I just want to feel human, important to someone, but not just any someone. Someone that I appreciate too, who I respect and admire and enjoy, and it’s really hard to truly find that. The person I am talking about isn’t someone who checks all my boxes, but I told myself that maybe he could and that fact that he doesn’t live in Seattle (see where this is going now?) was such a huge plus for me. The friendship was important, but the uncomplicated part of it really drew me in. That is where I went wrong almost immediately, I realize this now, those “maybe” and “hopefully” thoughts.

I got two tickets for the hockey game this weekend in LA, between the Kings and my favorite team, the Red Wings. I have been excited for this game, smiling since I purchased the tickets, giddy with anticipation. For the game itself, but almost because the above mentioned friend wanted to go with me. That’s a big deal considering he doesn’t like sports much, but he encouraged me to buy the tickets, saying he wanted to go and I obliged because why not? Why not purchase two expensive tickets to see my team in a visiting city with someone I really like? Why not indeed.

I won’t go into every detail, because I have went into them enough on my own, but I will say that I was ditched. At the arena, 20 minutes before game time, in the most hurtful way possible. Every spark of hope and excitement vanished immediately and left a pain so intense that I wanted to leave and crawl under a rock somewhere. Having someone I care about, and someone I thought cared about me, ditch me when I am waiting outside an event was incredibly humiliating and it has been compounded by the fact that it is two days later and I have yet to receive an apology. An apology for leaving me hanging, an apology for encouraging me to spend money on two tickets and then bailing, and an apology for simply not apologizing sooner. Perhaps even an apology for letting me believe that he wanted to hang out with me, because I can’t believe that I made that notion up in my head, not at this stage in my life. I don’t know why I am always shocked when these things happen, but I am, and it doesn’t hurt any less.

“Everything is more complicated than you think. You only see a tenth of what is true. There are a million little strings attached to every choice you make; you can destroy your life every time you choose. But maybe you won’t know for twenty years. And you may never ever trace it to its source. And you only get one chance to play it out. Just try and figure out your own divorce. And they say there is no fate, but there is: it’s what you create. And even though the world goes on for eons and eons, you are only here for a fraction of a fraction of a second. Most of your time is spent being dead or not yet born. But while alive, you wait in vain, wasting years, for a phone call or a letter or a look from someone or something to make it all right. And it never comes or it seems to but it doesn’t really. And so you spend your time in vague regret or vaguer hope that something good will come along. Something to make you feel connected, something to make you feel whole, something to make you feel loved. And the truth is I feel so angry, and the truth is I feel so fucking sad, and the truth is I’ve felt so fucking hurt for so fucking long and for just as long I’ve been pretending I’m OK, just to get along, just for, I don’t know why, maybe because no one wants to hear about my misery, because they have their own. Well, fuck everybody. Amen.”

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