Dancing On My Own.

I write a lot about my relationships with people on this blog, because they are a huge part of my life, but also because they are the most baffling parts of my life as well. The things that people say and do, the way they think, they way they react without thinking, it is all incredibly interesting to me and one of my favorite subjects to document.

I have been struggling lately. Most of it is private, as the struggle isn’t entirely mine to share, but it’s been ongoing and is (surprise) about a current (but not so current) relationship. It has left me a bit broken and sad, mostly because I can’t help but try to view myself through their eyes, which is one of most dangerous things a person can do. Comparison is the killer of joy, and that is something I have to constantly remind myself, and it can sometimes be a true internal struggle because I am someone who needs answers. Often times, there are no answers as to why a person feels the way they do, even if they’ve been feeling this way for a long time. What ever the reason, letting people feel what they feel and not trying to look too hard for the reason they feel that way is my goal this year.

“We’re only here briefly, and while I’m here I want to allow myself…joy.”

On Sunday, I went to see Her alone, and it was the best decision I could have made because, wow. Not only was it beautiful, but it really made me feel something about the place I’ve been standing in for the last two years. Humans have such a real desire to connect to other humans, to be understood by someone else on a very real level, but we have no idea how to maintain and nurture it once we think we’ve found it. We sort of fumble along attempting to grasp at the connections, forgetting that the other person has emotions just as real and raw as our own, believing we are special or smarter or some other weird lie we tell ourselves when things fail. Everything will always fail, until it doesn’t, and even then we are in for a lifetime of work and struggle because people change and grow and not always towards one another. Watching Theodore on screen was like watching myself and pieces of nearly every guy I’ve ever cared about becoming one person, and it was so beautiful and so entirely heartbreaking.

I have been in several romantic relationships in my twenties, good ones, bad ones, ‘just okay’ ones, and they all have one thing in common: they just haven’t clicked for me. It’s almost as though these guys have liked the idea of me, but not the challenges of me, the real parts of a relationship that start to stare you in the face after a while. This isn’t to say I am a lot to deal with, not at all, because every person has their challenges and we all deal with these in our own way.  It’s more about the reality of sharing your life with another person, actually sharing it and being honest about who you are. Nobody that I have chosen to date has been ready for this reality, and that probably says more about me than it does about them. So often, I chose broken people, and sometimes it’s not evident for a good long while but it always ends up in the same place. I am tired of broken people. I am tired of people pretending they aren’t broken, but taking off the mask later and surprise! Pieces all over the place. It exhausts me to think that I will encounter these people for the rest of my life, that I will continue to be drawn to them and into their problems and insecurities. I have always assumed as I got older that I would encounter people full of confidence, knowing who they are and what they want, and it has been so much of the opposite. Maybe as we get older, we realize that things don’t really get “better” but magnified, and we have to learn to let go of that idea of a ‘perfect’ mate because they don’t exist in the way we think they do. Maybe that realization really sucks and does something to our confidence in ourselves, because it can’t be everyone else right? Somewhere deep down, it’s ‘we’ who are the problem because why else would we be having such a hard time finding someone to share a glass of wine and long meal with?

Comparison is the killer of joy. I am tired of broken people.

If you have not seen ‘Her’, please do yourself a favor and see it. Alone, because that is you on screen, displayed so beautifully.

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