Love is watching someone die.
I wish I could go back. Some days more than others, but it remains the same.
Sometimes, I wish I hadn’t given myself over to that world. I wouldn’t hurt now, I wouldn’t hurt tomorrow, and this wouldn’t carry over into the next great love of my life. Maybe that is the part that troubles me the most, the carry over.
I feel like I am constantly coming to terms with Life. Usually those terms are good, and it is on those days that I feel the most complete. I don’t have all the answers, and I don’t want them, but in those moments I feel whole again. It is when those terms are bad that I can’t deal. Not only can I not deal, but I completely shut down and shut off. Maybe it’s because I give myself so fully to my emotions, and when it’s pain, it’s extra painful. I allow my mind to consume every single part of me, and that is when I can’t hold it together, when I suffer in silence.
I miss Jon. I ache for those days when I was sure of what I wanted. I never really thought it would last, but I was never sure how badly it would hurt when it ended. I remember the first night we really spent time together alone, and I remember telling him “this is going to end badly”, more joking than serious. I’ve been reminded of those words so many times over the years, and I feel like if I had only known then…I would have walked away.
I’d like to think I would have stayed, but I’m not sure anymore. Nothing (even the lessons I learned, and all the blog entries those three years produced) should have been worth that kind of pain. Consuming and…painful. I forgot what I was worth, and really started believing that love wasn’t supposed to be easy.
That is what people tell themselves when they’re stuck. “It’s not supposed to be easy.”
The thing is (the thing is) it IS easy.
Love, with the right person at the right time, is AMAZING. Nothing will ever make so much sense as the two of you together, and even in your darkest moments, second guessing that love isn’t an option. It just is, it just works, and it’ll leave you wondering how you went your entire life without knowing that this kind of feeling existed between two people.
I feel let down. I feel like I went three years waiting for this, waiting for someone that could never feel those things for me. It bums me out more than I care to admit to anyone, and even though I am positive that I am better off, I still miss him. My best friend for all those years…through the shitty times, and even shittier fights…but he was what I came home to. He was who slept next to me, and who I wanted to love me.
We haven’t been together in six months. For six months, I have been single, but never quite feeling that way. I’ve tried to work things out, and it was only when I stopped trying that he wanted me back. It makes me feel cheap, played with, and worst of all…unworthy. I thought I had done a damn good job of moving on, and I even allowed myself to meet someone new, someone who did (and does) deserve the best parts of me. Why I can’t let go completely and give myself fully to this new relationship, I really don’t know.
What I do know is that letting go comes at a steep price, and I’m broke.
The one thing that will keep me going, when all I want to do is stop, is the knowledge that it’s out there. That kind of all consuming, beautiful, healthy love that people need (and crave) so badly. That is what keeps me pressing forward, FORWARD not backwards, into whatever is coming next…because I deserve that. I deserve someone who knows what they have when they have me, not after the fact, and certainly not after they shit all over their chance.
I don’t know where this entry is going anymore. End for now.