There are no winners. Not today.
I knew this day would come, I knew. Deep down, I figured this would happen and that I wouldn’t be ready for it, and I wouldn’t be excited like I might have been a long time ago.
In so many ways, I wish I was the girl I was six months ago. The one who would have given anything to save the life she wanted, the love she craved, the hugs and acceptance she needed. I would have, I tried. It didn’t work the way I wanted it to.
I’m not her anymore. And maybe that is the most painful part of this whole thing, the part where my insides are altered, and my heart aches to make sense of it. I didn’t it want things to end up this way, but they did, and I’ve managed. Happily.
Do I move forward, knowing what I’m leaving (what left me a long time ago), and cope with the permanent ache in my chest? The one that isn’t going to heal anytime soon, no matter where I go and who is around me?
Or do I stay, make sense of the pain with the one who caused it, forgive, and build my life back to where I always thought I wanted it? Believing that this time is for real, and the past three years where the lows were often more than the highs…that it’s not destined to always be that way?
I don’t know. Either way, there is pain. Pain that I am not equipped to deal with, and pain that I don’t want anymore. It was easier when I thought I was worthless, when I couldn’t play the games to “win”, when I was left to deal with the broken pieces alone.
This is the moment where I suddenly have to decide what my life is going to be about.
And it sucks.