“It seems to me we can never give up longing and wishing while we are alive. There are certain things we feel to be beautiful and good, and we must hunger for them.”

If I only thought about myself, life would be so different.

I’ve been accused of being selfish before (and even recently), so maybe there is some truth there. Aren’t we all selfish? Doesn’t the heart want what it wants? If I were just being fair to myself, thinking only of me and what I need, my life will be so completely different right now. I’ve always felt I was “bigger than my body gave me credit for”, and I’ve always been a dreamer. If I could have, I would have packed up and left Washington a long time ago, and not because I don’t love it here or feel a connection to this place. I just have a hunger to experience, and sometimes that pang is more evident, especially now that we are on the edge of a new fall season and I am searching for a renewal. If I truly lived only for me, I would have done what I could to actually live only for myself.

I went out with people from work last night. On a Thursday, when I had to be up early the next day, I threw out all internal warnings to myself and did what I wanted. Going to bed at 1am wasn’t the best idea I’ve had this week, but you know what? I enjoyed every second of last night, with people I am getting to know, laughter, beer, book signings. I did what I wanted, waking up this morning realizing it’s what I needed, and not being sorry. That is the weirdest part, I’m not sorry, and that is kind of making me wonder what lies ahead in my heart. Maybe I am running in place at the moment, and maybe I’ll be okay with that for a while until this restless feeling fades.

But maybe not.

Maybe I need to get on a plane, or in a car, and just go somewhere for a minute. Perhaps the solution to running in place is to simply open the gates for a little while, and run the dirt road. The only problem is that I know what lies beyond those gates I keep locked tightly, and it’s beautiful with fresh air and endless room to move. And I’ll have a much harder time turning around later.

I am not focusing today, back to playing Diablo 3 and waiting for work to end:)

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