I went to the main page of my blog a few minutes ago, clicked on ‘random post’ and this little beauty popped up. I am re-posting because it’s kind of perfect for today. For this week. For the year.
__________________________October 16th, 2009
“I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.”
Okay Emerson, this is what I know.
I am twenty four years old and have done nothing magical with my life. Nothing extraordinary, nothing life altering, and nothing to seriously “write home” about. I am shy while being bold, I am unafraid while being terrified, and I can make the stupidest decisions while nursing a broken heart.
I have always kept myself at arms length from people, even the best of the best friends, because I have seen what getting close accomplishes. A huge bunch of expectations that nobody can live up to, and the pain of loss when that realization hits. Still, I am very much in love with my close friends, and would do anything to see their smiles…all while keeping my emotional distance.
I am driven, but I often drive for the sake of driving. I enjoy the ride, the wind in my hair, and the music that plays in the background. I am okay with no course of direction, and I will resent anyone who insists that I have one. I could easily do many different things in this life and be content with that, because the experience is what I value. Life is what I value.
And love. Oh, that tricky little jerk that makes me want to sing with joy and rip my hair out simultaneously. I might never marry, I might never find someone I actually WANT to spend a lifetime with, but I will have always enjoyed what love brought to my life. Pain, happiness, elation, depression. It all means that I lived, that I felt, and no matter what the cost…I would do it all over again.
What I know about life is extremely limited, because I haven’t really lived long enough. I have seen towers collapse, wars started, planes crash, and natural disasters take unnatural turns. It always feels like time is speeding up, and within the last six years, life as I know it has dramatically changed. I lost love, I found God, I went to California on a whim, and I found myself in the midst of the forested floors. I moved to Washington, I somehow figured out how to live on my own, I made new friends, I found a “grown up” job, I loved and lost (again), and am somehow managing to piece together a life that I never knew I wanted. I am living the dream that I always wanted for myself, and haven’t stopped to realize that this is what I waited for.
Somehow, somewhere through all the bullshit…this is what I waited for.
“…tell me what you know.”
This is it.