I rarely feel like I have anything worth telling. When I see someone I haven’t seen in awhile, the questions are always the same? “What’s new?” “How are things?” and I always have the same answer. Nothing much is new, and ‘things’ are fine. Who wants to actually hear about your problems and your hang ups? Exactly zero people, that’s who.
However (ah, there it is), because I have talked to very few people about this “problem” that I have, I am going to attempt to bring it out of my head today. I can already tell it’s not going to work.
Family dynamics are assholes, and I mean that literally. Uncomfortable to look at, hairy, stinky, and something you want to keep covered up because GROSS. I hate to be offensive, but all of those things are true, and if you disagree then you’re in denial. Or have a perfect family. And aren’t you lucky?
We cannot choose which families will belong to, we cannot choose what comes out of their mouth and what they think about “that one thing we did when we were that one age” a million years ago. We can’t stop them from reminding us that we were once little lying shitheads, or that we used to be so talented and should have applied ourselves better. We cannot ignore the complex ties that families are made of, and the hurt feelings that span years because of something someone said about so & so. Family dynamics are assholes, and while maybe interesting, they are generally embarrassing to look at.
There are two things we do have control of however, our feelings and how we react to them.
I would like to think I am fairly even tempered about most things. Taking the time to work stuff over in my head before reacting, and not giving a good tongue lashing to someone unless they completely deserve it. I know I have quite a bit of fire inside, but it’s not because I am an angry person with a chip on my shoulder, it’s mostly because people are such shits. The way we treat each other, the way we believe we can say what we want, the way we cut into each other before really thinking about the person feeling those cuts. When I feel like I am being unfairly targeted, even for the purpose of a joke, my temper rises. When I feel like I am being forced into dealing with a situation that I can (and should) walk away from, my temper rises. It’s that last thing that bothers me the most, feeling forced.
Members of my family are the worst offenders. They think because “we’re family” that I should be able to deal with them and their behaviors, that I should care more or try harder, and I disagree. The more attention someone wants, the less I want to give it to them, and maybe that makes ME the jerk here but again, I disagree.
Currently, I am dealing with a situation that is far too personal to write here. Believe me, I have tried to write it out because it needs to come out, but I don’t have the words. It’s delicate, and even though I rarely take into account what other people think of my life, this situation is so much bigger. I am struggling with feeling forced to ignore what has happened, but more importantly, to move on as though it doesn’t matter. What I need is space, and time, though I don’t think it will matter much because if I had my way I would’ve nipped this in the bud last year when it all came spilling out. In fact, I should have, but was really too stunned/shocked/hurt to really say much of anything and so it’s continued for almost a full year. A full year of me repeating in my head “How much do I care? Notenoughneverenough, neverneverenough”, willing it to be true and knowing it’s not. I’ve become so good at pushing everyone and their drama out of my head, ignoring them because nobody needs that much turmoil, but some things cannot be ignored. Some things cannot be pushed aside.
I wrote this last year during that time, finding no ‘real’ words, but feeling comfort just being able to write what I couldn’t speak:
“I am angry. I am angry at everyone, and I am not sure how to process it.
I am tired of the crazy. I am so exhausted from letting it take root in my brain, allowing it to live, even when I know I should be killing it. I am just so angry, and it’s so deep inside me that I can’t easily purge it and move on. My body has taken on the quiet silence that only true anger can bring, and I just want to…sit. I just want to push away every negative person, comment, energy, and fiber.”
I am still angry, but I guess we’ll see what happens this year. I feel backed into a corner, and that is the most dangerous place to be.