Reckoner.

“Your problem is that you don’t understand what that word means. People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you will ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you. And then they leave. And thank God for it.”

Dear LA,

You are just as fake as everyone says you are, and I mean that in the most loving way possible. You already knew that didn’t you? You are gorgeous, full of hope and perfectly timed jokes, but you will also turn on me the second something better comes along and I so desperately know it. You are the sun that everyone wants to stand in, basking in a warmth that can only mean ‘success’ and ‘I’ve made it’, but your light can be so blinding for so long, until we can’t remember what the shade feels like. I love you more than I dislike you; you have given me the gift of knowing myself again, but I think we will always have a tentative relationship. Reality is what we make it, after all.

I have been living here for a year now. I feel like no time has passed since I packed my car full, said goodbye to my cat, loaded into the drivers seat and didn’t look back. How strange a feeling that is, to know that I could just pick up and leave so easily. Of course, at the time it did not seem easy, but looking back now on those last weeks in Washington I can see that I cried less than I thought I would. Whatever pain I have felt in the absence of those closest to me, it has not included regret for my decisions, which is pretty telling. It should not have been so easy for me to leave and start over, but I have finally reconciled this fact with the knowledge that it will always be easy for me until it isn’t. Until I have something worth sticking around for, until I finally find something that is better than adventure and possibility, or at least until I find that it is actually possible to have it all.

What I feel about this last year is almost too big to put into words. I am proud of myself, and what I have gained is so much more than what I have lost, and maybe that is enough for now. When will my reach actually touch something long enough to hold and feel it, without wanting to let go? Time will tell.

For now, this is enough.

xo,

CJD

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: