Filling it up.

“One always begins to forgive a place as soon as it’s left behind.”

 Isn’t this always the case? How easily we forget why we choose to walk away, why we believe we deserved better, or simply deserved more. Once we have chosen not to settle, we start letting ourselves believe we could have settled and that settling isn’t even that bad, because isn’t that what everyone eventually does?

It has been four months since I have updated this site. I come back frequently, wishing to share the words swimming around in my head, knowing that the time has never been quite right. My domain name expired a few weeks ago, a signal to freshen up and open the blinds wide once again, so I went back to my roots as a blogger and registered Unexpected Liberation. Those of you who have followed me for many years will remember this name, and a quick Google search will out me as an emotional early twenty-something, though it hardly matters at this point.

Here we are.

The last several months have been a weird journey. In so many ways I have just been ‘going with it’, allowing myself to be swept along, agreeing to things I never would have agreed to in the past and making compromises where I would normally stand my ground. Letting go has always been such a crazy feeling for me, as I am so used to holding tight to myself, clear and controlled. Becoming vulnerable again was rough, but it became clear that in order to move on I had to actually move on, and this is the journey.

I recently met someone at a party who could perfectly articulate what I have never been able to. We were speaking about why he was considering moving back to LA when he had so recently made the move back to Hamburg. He said that what he really valued was the adventure and experience, and if that led him back to LA, then so be it. He continued on to say that so many people in his life did not quite understand why he chose to life this way, bouncing around from one creative endeavor to the next, and they insisted that he would eventually settle down once he found the right (fill in the blank). I kept nodding along during this, understanding his journey, when he said “but what if this is who I am?”

Right there. It was like a light had clicked on in my brain. What if this is who I am.

I will end this entry here, satisfied that I have made my point. As this year in LA has gone on, it has been less about explaining to others what this journey means and more about where it is going while learning to float in this ocean. The familiar restless feeling that I have wrestled with my entire life has started creeping back into my bones, daring me to do something about it, but now instead of making me feel crazy, I can only smile. What if this is who I am.

“It’s made me want to find a hole in the world, in the shape of me, and just fill it up.”

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