I wrote this one year ago, and during that time in my life, I was a mess. Of course, I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was. I wanted something concrete to hold on to, something stable to ease my anxiety, something real to quiet the yelling in my brain.
I found it, the sense of peace that has eluded me my entire life. It reminds me of this quote: “….But while alive, you wait in vain, wasting years, for a phone call or a letter or a look from someone or something to make it all right. And it never comes or it seems to but doesn’t really. And so you spend your time in vague regret or vaguer hope for something good to come along…”
That was probably the best gift I’ve ever received. That quote, in it’s entirety.
Anyway. The ‘blast from the past’ entry for today:
Death and all his friends.
I cannot tell you how many times I have wished for death.
Never for anyone but myself, but death just the same.
I tried to “summon” death when I was younger, but like most things I did back then, it was half ass. I was so far gone, so past caring, that I didn’t even care it never worked. If death had come to me in those days, self inflicted or not, I would have been fine with it.
Fine with never knowing what I would experience in the next six years.
“People don’t change”
“People don’t change that much”
And that couldn’t be more wrong.
Even though everything is far more complicated now, a lot more stressful, and often not as fun…I wouldn’t trade it. I was furious at someone yesterday, yelling at the top of my lungs; and today we shared a sandwich and laughed about Family Guy.
The point that I’m forever realizing: Nothing is hopeless anymore.
Confusing as hell sometimes, but not hopeless.
I’m glad that Death refused to listen to me.
“and it came to me then, that every plan is a tiny prayer to farther time…”