This entry has been a long time in coming, for so many reasons.
However, it’s time to put it out there. Because I believe that my blog deserves these words, because most people know anyway, and because I firmly believe that putting something out into the universe makes it that much better.
I have a boyfriend.
Someone I barely talk about for obvious reasons, but someone so important to my life that I feel he deserves mentioning. I never fully believed that NOT saying something was actually saying something, but in this case, that’s true.
I met him two years ago, though it was strictly professional. I only knew his name, what he did for work, and what his weekend stories were. Our interaction was about ten minutes every other week, but I enjoyed our small conversations when they happened.
When I found myself single last summer, the last thing I cared about was a replacement. I spent time with my girls, tried to enjoy the girls nights, and threw myself into dealing. I wanted to go the solo route, cleanse my life, breathe again. I didn’t go looking for a damn thing (except my sanity), but it’s definitely true that when you stop looking for something, it suddenly shows up anyway.
What I found was my heart (again).
What I found was a great adventure, someone who actually wanted to know what I thought and why I thought it. Who cared about what I just been through, and cared enough to let me cry over it, mourn the loss of it, and let the pain sting/heal the best I knew how to let it. We would talk for hours about how torn I was, and why I couldn’t just “move on” and let it all go. More than anything, he became my best friend in the most unselfish ways. He knew the truth of my actions, my fears, my pain and anger. Hearing my sadness about losing my last relationship couldn’t have been easy on him, but even with me voicing those doubts to him and wondering aloud how he could continue to be my friend when all I did was cry, he would only say one thing:
“You are completely worth it.”
The months that have followed those early days have only brought me one thing: pure bliss. Everything is easy again, everything is fun, and I can only look ahead with excitement and happiness. In so many ways, I have found what I never knew was missing, and someone I didn’t even believe existed until this point. My soulmate.
I haven’t mentioned him for obvious reasons. The first being that I don’t feel like rubbing him in anyone’s face. I had a long relationship with a great guy, and ending it wasn’t easy on either of us. The second reason being that I am happy. I am happy because I allowed myself to be happy, because it feels as natural as breathing, and because nobody else played a part in this. I’m not convincing anyone, because there isn’t a need. I am happy:) Not saying something was actually saying something…
I am getting what I need by moving out of my apartment this weekend. It’s been a wild ride living there, but I know that turning my keys in will be incredibly sad for me. It was the first place that was truly just mine, with one name on the lease and nobody helping me pay rent. I paid those bills solo, working two jobs and exhausting myself every week, but I grew to such great heights that there is no coming back down. Not this time, anyway.
I have been working on this entry for quite a long time (minus the above paragraph that I just wrote). I’ve let it sit in my ‘draft’ section for months, but I feel like closing the book on the last fourteen months (it’s really been that long) of my life, and starting fresh is the right thing for my soul.
Sometimes the hardest thing and the best thing are the same.