(52) Bulletproof Weeks.

Hello New Years Eve, its nice to see you again.

December is officially coming to a close, and my “write every day” assignment didn’t go as planned. I am not feeling very sorry, but I do annoy myself with these little games I make up for myself…and then do poorly at. I mean, really Cass?

Tomorrow is the start of another year, the start of another twelve months of life, and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t start writing in order to reflect. That’s what this blog has become lately anyway, one giant reflection. It feels comfortable that way, like an old friend I can always count on to talk to. My blog always listens:)

This was 2010, in my own words:

“I wish someone would just get it. That sometimes people need to do what’s right for them, and whether or not it truly IS right, time doesn’t wait for anyone. I understand this so well that it makes me sick sometimes, because that doesn’t take the memories away. The fact that I get it doesn’t stop me from hurting, and the fact that time hasn’t waited but kept moving…yeah, that sucks too. It’s almost past my control at this point, and I’m trying to reconcile that with my heart.”

“So many things going on, so little time to put them into order and make sense. I run on autopilot so much these days, but when I’m in Seattle, time seems to slow down again. I can breathe freely, laugh or be silent, and nothing ever matters. Except me, I matter.”

“I have never known the full truth. I never will, but somewhere in the last six months, I became okay with that. That story was never mine to tell, and holding that in and disliking people because of that is unfair. It wasn’t my story, it belongs to other people.

What happens today is nothing new. Only the fact that I am actually writing about how healthy I am these days (healthy and happy), and how this is the first time in my entire life where I feel that my world is truly RIGHT. I’ve done what I could for the sake of other people, and now is the time to be okay with where I’m standing, and shout it from the rooftops if I feel the need. Somewhere in these last three years, I lost a part of who I am. I wrapped myself up in someone else, gave in to their needs and wants, and forgot my own. I thought that unconditional love meant allowing someone else to take priority over myself, and that walking through the mud would make things stronger in the end. It didn’t, and a person can only take so much.”

“Today and tomorrow are all I have left here, and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t extremely bummed about it. I have loved this job, even when I hated it, and I am very grateful for the chance (my chance) to shine. If there is one thing RGC has taught me, it’s that I am good at what I do. A “real” job in “adult” land, and I’m good at it.”

“Seeking the good in others is always something I’ve tried to do, even when it started to kill me and my relationships. I learned the hard way that a lot of people are NOT good, and never will be. I also learned that people do make mistakes, horrible ones that they’ll never be able to repair or make up for. I’ve learned to look for the things that can’t easily be seen, appreciate the human struggle to own up to our shortcomings, and love. It’s a delicate balance I’ve kept up, one that has exhausted and confused me for a long time.”

“Suddenly, all the things I’ve wanted to accomplish in my life don’t seem that far off. I’m planning that trip to Ireland next year, I’m thinking of the kind of house I’d like to live in, I’m going over wedding colors and cakes in my mind….suddenly, it all feels very real and exciting. I’m not fifteen and thinking about “well, someday…”, I’m twenty five and thinking “okay, next year I’m taking a month to travel…and I think I’d like to be married in September, because it’s always been the best month.”

Suddenly, everything I’ve always wanted for my life doesn’t seem unreachable anymore. When did I get to this point?”

“God is such a strange topic for so many, but not for me. He is what all my “secrets of the universe” are about, my “smoke signals”, and barefoot walks. A lot of people have never understood that about me, because I don’t live by the rules of “good” and “pure”, but God has never been about that for me. He has always been LOVE. And nearly to a fault, I definitely love. I feel, I breathe deeply, I embrace the passion (good and bad), and I love.

I often wish people could have known me then. My best friends in Washington don’t know that girl, the one who hated herself, let herself be lost, and couldn’t look people in the eye. They can’t know that one summer (as summers often do) changed me forever, and even now, in the face of every change I have ever made to my life, that day remains the most significant. God saved me from myself, no judgement. And since then, it has been my goal to love like mad, even when it hurts.”

“I really wonder though, how many other people feel weighed down? How many of my other friends feel the strain of their jobs, their relationships, their friendships? How many of them are constantly wanting/needing more then what they have, and are feeling the pressures of having money versus paying bills? How many people do I know who are carrying too much on their shoulders, but know no other way, so they continue on because “that’s life, whatever”?”

“Dave Matthews was as magical as I remember. It always feels nice to be around twenty thousand people who feel the same way as I do, singing at the top of my lungs and not wondering if the guy behind me thinks I’m ridiculous. They played all the right songs, and I have never wanted that firedancer tattoo so bad in my life. Forget fall leaves…firedancer all the way.”

“I have been conflicted for the past 48 hours. My mind, my heart, my soul racing a million miles a minute. I like the job I have (to a point), but more so, I hate to let people down. Leaving here in the middle of all my projects lets people down, and that bothers me. Leaving people with more work because of me and my “stupid happiness” bothers me on some level.

Except that my heart has finally stopped racing…and I asked the universe to make it happen if I was meant to do it. Me and those cosmos, we’re tight.”

“Still, there are going to be people who read this (and follow me on twitter) that won’t like what they read sometimes. I can’t help that, and I make no apologies or explanations for those things (well, until I want to). I have been keeping an online journal since 2003, back in the days of diaryland and livejournal, and even though I’ve become a better writer over the years, I still do things the way I always have. This is my life. These entries, these words, my thoughts about everything and nothing. This journal/blog isn’t a passing fad to me, and I can show you things from the past seven years to prove that.”

“Congratulations on making it to this point, this time where it’s almost mandatory to sit and reflect upon the year you just had. For me, I have changed jobs several times, gained a roommate, grown up incredibly, and let go of everything that has held me back.”

Tomorrow is the start of another year, another twelve months of life, another (52) bulletproof weeks.

See you in 2011.

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