Running through it.

This weekend, I was missing Tennessee so bad that it actually hurt. I think I have actually lived in Washington longer than I lived in Tennessee, but those six(ish) years were extremely important ones. I think I have written so often about how wonderful it feels to live here, how lucky I feel, how happy I am. It’s all true, but there is a part of me that is so southern. There is a part of me that very much misses my family and friends, the green trees, the warm weather. I would be lying if I said I hadn’t considered moving back, not because I can’t “make it here”, but because I really miss what I left.

Going through Diaryland brings some of it back:

December 04, 2005

I am a girl that likes to stay in hotels with hallways. I like lamps with slightly crooked shades, and I am a hopeless romantic.

I am a dreamer and a realist. I believe that everyone has a good side, and I like fiesty old people. I see every moment as a potential life changing moment, and I truly believe that smiles are the best gifts ever given.

Last night was good.

Heather Lynn discovered the only French resturant in Chattanooga (at least, it’s the only that matters) and we went. I was stood up, once again, but I didn’t care at that point. I was glad he didn’t come, because he would have ruined the many happy moments we had at dinner. Christopher was lucky enough to have two hot dates, and he even played the piano for us….and the seven other people in the resturant. It was lovely, sweet, and although I drank a bit too much was one of those special evenings that I will remember forever.

And yet, I have cried twice today. And the tears are starting to fall as I write this…

I’m just sad. Very sad. I feel as though there isn’t a single person in the world who can understand me and why I want the things out of life that I do. They don’t see my “vision” and they don’t understand my need for growth and change. I can hardly talk about it for fear that I sound crazy…and yet, the only thing I want to do is have a good long talk with someone who only wants to listen.

I’m hurting so many people by leaving. And I hate that. It’s like I am being an utterly selfish and ungrateful girl…and really, all I want to do is be free.

I get it. That was written seven years ago, and my, wasn’t I a mixed bag of emotions and stuff? It kind of makes my point though, because deep down, I truly loved being there but I just…left anyway. Sometimes my reasons for doing things elude me, I just know that I don’t want to be doing whatever it is that I’m doing, and so I stop/evaluate/move on.

I genuinely miss that place. It’s been two years since I’ve been back, and I actually crave it. It actually hurts. I don’t think these feelings actually warrant a new life change, and I think what I miss is something that no longer exists. My family is there, but my friends have all moved on in different ways, and Heather Lynn doesn’t even live there anymore. It really makes me want to burst into tears, because while those memories hold some pretty ridiclous things, the vast majority was so life changing. Maybe I just want it to be 2005 for a few days.

Okay, enough sadness. Moving on:)

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