I always find myself here.

Well, Seattle is embracing the rain again, and I am embracing change.

When I left RGC in Tacoma, it was in April of 2010. I started a new job with a new company that was going to give me what I needed to move forward professionally, but on the day I left RGC after two years, I cried all the way home. I was heartbroken, but everything be damned, I was going for life and opportunity.

It would be a little unfair to say that my new job turned out to be the biggest joke, but I only stayed for eight months. It didn’t make me feel good at the end of the day.

My next job was what I thought I wanted and needed. It was a faster pace, it was artistic and interesting, it made me feel important. As the weeks went on, it also made me feel small and insecure. It was like being in a shitty relationship, with someone who would often buy you gifts and take you out to dinner, making you feel gorgeous and the light of their world. While secretly, in private, telling you what a whore they thought you were and if you could “just change a few things” about yourself you’d be more likable. Working there was the worst I have ever felt at any job, including Starbucks, whose main customer base serves as the reason you go home wanting to murder every single person who ever had an opinion about anything. I stayed in that shitty relationship for six months, when (adding insult to injury), I was called into my abusers office to “talk about things” because it seemed I “just wasn’t happy”. You think??? I washed my hands of THAT. That was in April of last year.

My next job was at the architecture firm, and I can actually say that I loved it. My coworkers were funny, the job was right up my alley, and I lived two blocks away. It really was exactly what I needed after my walk through hell, but again, April is upon me and here I sit at another desk.

I have always thought of myself of someone who ‘stuck it out’, because in general, that’s exactly who I am. However, you bring my professional life into that mind set, and it’s game over. I don’t settle, I don’t stick it out when I feel something has run it’s course, and I am actually kind of proud of that. My last job was pretty awesome, but there were definitely parts that were not awesome, and they were things I decided I didn’t deserve to deal with at the end of the day. It’s not even been a whole week yet, and I still question my decision in the small space in the back of my head.

Then I remember that I didn’t really feel good when I went home, and there were so many days that I didn’t feel good with my quality of work because I was being rushed and talked down to. Maybe this is the twenty seven year old side of me coming out, with an idealistic view of how the workforce should really be, but I don’t believe that ‘assisting’ people means that I am subject to their ego. I very much miss my last job, but not for the right reasons one should stay in a job.

So, it’s April again.

“It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power.”

I wish we could open our eyes
To see in all directions at the same time
Oh what a beautiful view
If you were never aware of what was around you
And it is true what you said
That I live like a hermit in my own head
But when the sun shines again
I’ll pull the curtains and blinds to let the light in.

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