Before I start this entry, let me say that I actually like people. I really do believe that people are good, and I almost never walk out the door in the morning feeling like I am heading into some epic battle with the world.

That being said, I have been riding the bus twice a day for two and a half weeks now, and I’ve had the chance to make some interesting judgements about humanity. Behold, my Top Five People You’ll Meet Riding the Bus list:

#5: Talks Loudly on the Phone Girl.
I am a woman, so I don’t feel bad saying this, but people who talk loudly on the phone in public places are almost always female. Why do you think it’s okay to loudly carry on your conversation while sitting on the bus? Nobody knows each other, so nobody is speaking to each other, so everyone without headphones can clearly hear everything you’re saying. You aren’t even attempting to be quiet. I think what irritates me the most is the idea of what this person is like in general, because if they are inconsiderate enough to talk loudly about the most mundane of topics on a crowded city bus, I can’t imagine what they’re like as a friend.

#4: The “Clearly Sick” Person.
You look sick, and if I wasn’t holding my breath, I’d bet you smell sick too. WHY ARE YOU ON THIS BUS? Why are you breathing near people? Why are you curled up in your seat, coughing every two minutes and exhaling loudly into the air?? Stop this right now! I understand if you “suddenly” come down with something and need to go home, but this didn’t happen two hours ago. Nope, you woke up sick this morning and decided you’d like to be a walking bomb. Thanks.

#3: The Guy Who Wants to be Best Buds with the Bus Driver.
I choose to sit in the front/middle so I can see who is getting on the bus. Call me crazy, but I like to know and see what goes on. I do not, however, sit so close to the front that I can make conversation with the driver. Almost every day though, someone does:

Person: “Hey, will this bus make it up the hill????????”
Driver: “Yep.”
Person: “But…like, HOW?”
Driver: “I don’t know, it just goes. Ten miles an hour, but it goes.”
Person (still not believing it): “Even with all these people on it?????”
Driver: “Yep.”
Person: “Oh. So how much does this bus weigh? Are you still nervous driving the bus? I bet you’ve gotten comfortable the more you drive it right? How long have you been a driver anyway???”

The fact that the driver has stopped answering questions doesn’t usually stop these people, and it just blows my mind that they’re so unaware of how annoying they are.

#2: The Person Who Refuses to Move.
Hey, I know you’ve been around people all day (or if this is the morning, maybe you haven’t had coffee yet), but MOVE IT DUDE. Do not roll your eyes when someone needs to get by, do not shake your head at the absurdity that someone should expect you to move your legs, or move your body an inch to the right. There aren’t enough seats for everyone, but there would be enough space if you deflated your ego a bit.

#1: The Person Who Doesn’t Know What Bus They Just Got On.
You are the WORST. Not only do you not know the difference between a regular bus and an express bus, but you do not pay attention. Everyday, at 3rd & Pike, the bus driver says “Next stop is 3rd & Virginia, last stop in the Ride Free Zone, and last stop in downtown Seattle!” Then, at 3rd & Virginia, he says it again. “LAST STOP ON 3rd. NO more stops until 1st & Mercer. LAST STOP.” And then he says it again, just in case you weren’t sure the first two times. I am not even exaggerating this, and that is why you are the worst, because we haven’t even gone three blocks from our LAST STOP in downtown and here you come walking down the aisle. Not only do you stand behind the driver, peering out the front window like you’re interested in what’s out there, but you always say the same thing:

“Uh, why didn’t you stop back there?”

I don’t know why this shocks me everyday, but it does. How were you not listening? HOW do you not KNOW and SEE that this #2 bus is the #2 EXPRESS BUS, and it does not stop at every stop you think it does. I understand possibly getting on the wrong #2, because it’s been a long day, or you’re new, or blah blah blah. But you didn’t listen when the driver announced the route THREE TIMES? Then comes the next question:

“Can you just let me off?”

NO. No he can not “just let you off” because you weren’t paying attention to his announcement (three times!). He has 70 other people who got on the right bus and know where they’re going. I’d love to know the world these people are living in, where people bend to their whim, because I want to go there and smack someone. And this happens every single day.

Thumbs up to the King County bus drivers. Even if I was paid a million dollars, I could never do your job.