I started writing this a few weeks ago, before work really started to require every ounce of my attention. Coming back to it now is a little strange, but I still think it deserves posting.

(side note: working at PAX was the most amazing experience, and the video game industry is definitely where I belong)

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Before I start this entry, let me say two things:

1. I started forming these words at 7am this morning while getting ready for work. I don’t know where this stuff comes from, but like I have said five million times before, I think in type. The words, they just start forming sentences and paragraphs about things, and I can’t control it.

2. This is my opinion. Yours may be different, but that’s the beauty of this world. Be kind.

Now that I have those things out of the way, I need to talk about confidence.

It recently occured to me (at 7am this morning, actually), that “really confident” people don’t exist, at least not in the way they think they do. Mainly because I find it hard to believe there are people out there that wake up every single day, look at themselves in the mirror, and think they’re the shit. I mean, I know those people exist, but that’s not confidence, that is arrogance and self absorbtion.

Speaking for myself only, I know that I have a good amount of confidence, but I would never say that I am “really confident” in myself or my appearence. I am too self aware for that, too realistic to believe that my skills and what I look like really mean anything to anyone else but me. I feel like ‘confidence’ is this big umbrella that attempts to shield us from all of those ‘less desirable’ feelings we might have. To actually illustrate my point, I drew this picture:

I can’t believe I just did that. And also, if you click on it, you can see it better.

You get the point though. Confidence is an umbrella, shielding us from feeling depression, doubt, sadness, fear, and self loathing. I suppose that’s nice, but where is the security in that? Where is the security in not allowing yourself to feel a shitty emotion, or get hit by the rain sometimes? When did feeling these emotions start to mean that you don’t have confidence? After all, there is this gigantic world out there, with her own problems and weakness and despair. We’re silly to think we’re immune to all that.

I really don’t think true confidence exists, at least not in the form we all think it does. Maybe I am looking at this all wrong, but I don’t see how a person with real true confidence can be walking down the street and ignore the guy selling the ‘Real Change’ papers. Or not care what’s going on with the looming elections, or just…be…oblivious. I have known so many people in my life that have called themselves ‘confident’, but have also taken joy in putting other people down, and love to use the phrase “Whatever, I call it like I see it”. I have not met one person in my twenty seven years, who was sweet, smart and generally “good”, and who also descibed themselves as ‘really confident’. If you can truly feel any empathy for another human being or creature, you wouldn’t feel confident day after day, and you wouldn’t always walk with your head held high.

(side note: How many times can I use that word in one paragraph? Confidentconfidentconfidentconfident. My head actually hurts.)

What I’m getting at, is that we could all use a heaping dose of self awareness. We aren’t the shit, we never will be, and that is extremely okay. What matters is how we treat other people, how we treat ourselves, and our reactions to this crazy world.