I realize that it’s not quite the end of 2011, but I don’t anticipate a lot of updating in the coming week and a half. So I’ve decided to post my annual recap today, aren’t you lucky? I’ve taken parts of entries I’ve written in every month of this year, and compiled them into a weird sort of timeline. I wrote these, but it’s still been weird to read back through and see where my brain was at.
I feel like I lived through a lot this year, and while I don’t think it made me significantly stronger, it was definitely character building.
“Before 2011 hit, I wanted to be “on good terms” with people in my life that I have let slip away. I guess it was the need to put whatever bad vibes I felt behind me, and go into a new January feeling refreshed and good about the choice to “forgive and forget”. I didn’t need to do that, but I wanted to.
It worked out in a few cases, and didn’t work out so well in others. Just because I’m ready and willing to mend bridges, doesn’t mean I will always get my way, but I still had hope. Hope is such an asshole sometimes.
The past year of my life has (sort of) been defined by “well, I did what I could, and now I need to get over it”, and I hate that. That sounds like a failure, and I never failed. I accomplished almost everything I wanted in 2010, was all over the emotional map, and I have a lot to show for it. I left the year the same way I started it, by doing what I could to mend the bridges I felt were worth saving, and now it’s on other people to do their part. I have to wonder, what good does a held grudge do for you? Anyone?”
“You might think your pain will always follow you in this life, but I assure you that it won’t. You will go through these dark periods, where you become sure that nobody will ever understand, but if I may convince you otherwise, always trust the deepest parts of your heart. You know that you’re never alone, and one day, this realization will carry you through some pretty tough situations.”
“Truthfully, the United States is that privileged kid too. The one who can be a downright asshole to your face, but still has enough sense to joke around next time he sees you, acting like it was no big deal and “haha, we’re all friends, bud.” He’s kind of the guy you secretly wanted to be, because he was smart and knew it, could go to any school he wanted, have any girl he wanted, was good at sports, knew what was going on in the world, etc. It’s not shocking to anyone that he is now stepping in with Libya, back to the playground where he’s been so many times before, with the attitude of “Again?? Seriously World, get your SHIT together.” All jokes aside, we’ve become the world police, and I am absolutely torn in how I feel about it. On one hand, we should intervene in certain matters, because we are capable and because nothing ever got better by turning a blind eye to the situation. On the other hand, “you’ve got problems, man”. We cannot keep running after the World, wagging our finger and carrying a belt in the other hand while our house burns down behind us. At some point, we need to draw a line, and turn our attention to this country we’re building ourselves.”
“I had a phone interview last week for a really cool job, and now I have an in person interview for the same job on Monday. I am going all out for it, and just counting on things to happen the way they’re meant to. I am not ashamed that I no longer work at Voda, because selling myself short of what I am capable of is not something I’m okay with. Yeah, I don’t have a job right now, but I am also not running to the store to pick up someone’s organic unscented deodorant, or calling wonderful restaurants to complain that my boss’s salad was “slightly wilted” and it’s “unacceptable”.”
“I haven’t updated in a long time, but I update twitter constantly, so I feel okay that I haven’t be on here. Nothing new has been happening…well, nothing worth writing about. My car broke down last week, and that wasn’t fun or interesting, and I am now contemplating a move to Tacoma…but that’s not really interesting either. I have just been swimming along, trying not to let my fear get the best of me, and taking the love and support from people willing to give it. Everything could be worse.”
“I just honestly wish, that at twenty six years old, I had more girl friends. Girls who live close, girls who actually want to get out and DO something, girls who “get it”. My current roommate, who was such a good friend when we moved in together, has just disappeared off the face of the earth. She’s been staying next door (literally right next door) instead of staying where her bed is. At first I let it go, because her mother lives next door, and I figured that they were just “that” close. Who am I to judge that kind of relationship? But as the months have passed, and our lease is coming up in just a few weeks, her absence has become a sore spot. April and May were really rough months for me, but I think I saw her twice during that time, even though she knew what was going on and how low I was feeling. It just made me wonder if I had really exaggerated our friendship, and if we were really as close as I had thought.
Looking back, I suppose I let myself feel close to someone who never really cared, which is really sad.
The reality is, I’m happy alone, but I am happier when surrounded by love and trust. I’m happy when I’m surrounded by friends, and happiest when those friends are girls. I’ve just had some bad luck picking friends over the years, and I’m bummed to see the evidence of this once again.”
“Tonight, I’m going to see the last Harry Potter. The final movie before it’s all over, after which I’ll be left with some amazing movies to watch again and again. I can see where some people (again) wouldn’t understand what it is about Harry Potter (and Twilight, and World of Warcraft) that make me so happy. I can see where it makes me seem like a “loser” to genuinely enjoy these things at twenty six years old, but I can’t explain it, these things make me happy. Maybe it has something to do with living in a world where these things exist, where the imagination of one person (or several people) became something real, and has given a lot of people hope for their own life.
Doesn’t that sound silly? That World of Warcraft could possibly have given someone hope? To a lot of people, that’s a ridiculous thought, but I “get it” and it makes me happy. I mean, if you’ve ever picked flowers and created an enchanted potion out of them, while playing a character you call Bearclaws who looks exactly how you imagined her, while running around these different fantasy worlds with friends…you’d get it too.
I live in my own little world of happiness and fantasy.
So if your world consists of negativity and bitchiness, but all means, keep your “reality” away from me.”
“The reality is, everyone I know is going to die. I might get lucky, and have all of them grow old with me and die of natural causes, but it’s all the same. Everyone I know isn’t going to exist forever, and though obvious, it still shocks me. Someday, I will have to go through saying goodbye to my father, my sister, and maybe even my husband. I am definitely not someone who takes people for granted, but I can’t appreciate people enough to make them stay with me forever, and there is nothing about this life that I can control.
What little control I do have is only an illusion, and I never think about that fact because I am so busy controlling my life with plans, lists, phone calls and text messages. I have so much planned out for my life, know myself well enough to know what I want, and I really haven’t factored in the true facts. I have no control.”
“I’m going home happy, with eyes open a little wider. I needed to experience this, to see a world outside my bubble, and to live out of a carryon for two weeks. I needed to feel some humility, and I do.
I’m glad we picked September for this trip.
“It almost hurts worse this time. With my Grandpa, we knew it was coming eventually, and there was some measure of comfort in being able to say goodbye this summer. Hoping I’d see him next year, but knowing I had to be okay if I didn’t. This hurts in a much different way, because Ron is around my dad’s age, because I didn’t have time to prepare for this loss. This loss that so many people have felt, where the rug is swept out from under you and you’re expected to move forward and deal anyway. I am new to this kind of loss, and having it be three weeks from my last (first) loss, I just can’t….process.”
“No, it didn’t take an episode of Dr. Phil to make me realize how lucky I am, but it did remind me that I have one amazing man. He never raises his voice to me, he never talks down to me, and he certainly has never (would never) hit me. He makes me want to be the woman who cleans for him, cooks for him, washes his clothes. Not because he’s lazy, or incapable, but because he appreciates me and makes me feel very loved and cared for. I don’t feel like I need to do anything for him, but I always want to.
Marriage is work. Living together is work, meshing your finances is work. If you think it’s easy to be near someone day in, and day out, and maintain a relationship that’s vibrant and fun…you’re wrong. It’s work and it’s not always easy, but I feel that in the right situation with the right person, it’s always worth it. Anything that makes you a better and stronger person in the long run, will always be worth it.”
“Part of my birthday evening that was so hard: Admitting to myself that getting drunk and stumbling around is the last thing I care about. I don’t think celebrating means drinking my face off, and more often, I feel like most people don’t agree with me. These days, I value good conversation over alcohol, calm settings over loud dance parties. Maybe I am getting more lame with age, but turning twenty seven has made me place more value on what’s really important.”
Okay 2012, I’m ready for you. Let’s make something happen:)