I don’t consider myself successful career wise. In so many ways, I still see myself as young and inexperienced, even though I know I am twenty seven and can do my job well. To some extent, I am proud that I have been able to land opportunities when I lack a degree, but I have always been under the impression that a monkey could do my job if he wanted to.
Maybe a monkey could do most jobs if he wanted to, and maybe that’s my point here.
I wrote awhile back about feeling restless, and as is often the case when I feel like that, I check into my bubble for awhile. I like it there, it feels safe in my head. It’s not me being “emo” or any of that hipster weirdness, it just feels good to get lost in my own head for a time, allowing the restlessness to ride itself out. I always have to be doing something, and sometimes it’s enough that I write about it, sometimes that makes the feeling subside..which is why it constantly comes up. Like a quick fix of sorts, this blog is a true product of my restless nature.
Other times, being here doesn’t work. In case you haven’t noticed my absence:)
My sister is getting married in eight months, and as the Maid of Honor, I will have plenty to fill my time. I am good at planning, good at budgeting, good at getting people in order. I know that I will rock at doing all of these things, and I know that the next eight months are going to be set to “hyper insane” in terms of energy. I’m ready:) This is where I thrive.
Still, riding out the wave of restlessness is starting to make me more anxious. What exactly am I doing? What exactly have I been doing? I am trying not to make the mistake of rushing through everything so fast and forgetting to enjoy it; I am trying not to take on the “…and then?” mentality that I can so easily adopt. You know that old saying “Those who can — do. Those who can’t — teach”? Well, I will do everything and teach you everything and make you dinner, all while painting you a lovely picture. And happily.
But, that doesn’t help either. Because I just want more, need more.
I decided recently that I want to go back to school. When I was twenty, I didn’t know a damn thing about the value of school, and even though I made decent grades, I didn’t really care. I wanted to be out living life, “doing something” is what I called it, and I didn’t want to be sitting in class all day and studying at night. I am thankful I went for the time I did, because now I have some credits and something to show for the ‘time served’. I am not starting completely over, and I am just excited to see what college has to offer me now. Learning something because I actually want to learn it, and not because I feel like I should. As soon as these thoughts took hold, I could feel the anxiety mellow, and getting my transcript the other day was a nice sigh of happiness. I am taking these small steps, seeing what comes of it, and it feels really good.
And it was all my decision, which makes it even better.
Sometimes, feeling a small sense of purpose is all it takes to make me feel the smoothness of stability again:)