“Stars hide your fires,
These here are my desires
And I won’t give them up to you this time around
And so, I’ll be found with my stake stuck in this ground
Marking the territory of this newly impassioned soul”
I decided that I am going to travel. Sometimes, it’s enough to be a dreamer, and sometimes it’s not. While I have practical concerns in deciding to do this, the feeling I have right this second makes up for that. The call of this world is too strong, so strong some days that it makes me feel like I could go insane from hearing it. Waiting for acceptance or praise or the ‘right time’ has never been something I am good at, and I’ll be damned if I am going to spend the rest of my life wondering what’s out there.
Sometimes, it’s enough to be a dreamer. Sometimes, it’s not.
I am also doing something about my anxiety. I was sitting with a friend last night, and he asked me what I think was causing me to feel so…anxious. To be honest, I really don’t know, other than to say that this is part of my natural disposition and it’s only made worse by factors beyond my control. To illustrate my point, we were sitting outside a coffee shop last night, across from a seven story apartment building. As we talked, I looked up and noticed what looked like a ceramic tile stuck to the outside of a window on the seventh floor. It was getting dark outside, so I couldn’t make out what it was, but my friend thought it was some weird type of bird feeder. Throughout the conversation, my eyes kept traveling up the building and stopping on this weird tile, and the anxiety I felt from not knowing how it was stuck to the window so high up when I couldn’t see a wire or any other means of sticking, was unbearable. I became so fixated on it, and I finally had to point it out to my friend, as if to say “This is why I need to do something”. It’s really insane that I should feel this way, with no real reason behind it, but I am way past trying to understand it. I just can’t live this way.
I’ve also been reading Eat, Pray, Love again as an unwinding method at night (oh God, could this get any more typical and ridiculous?) and I am finding a lot of meaning that I missed the first time I read it. It’s like a whole new book for me, and I often find myself wishing I had a pen handy, because the quotes I underlined the first time don’t hold as much meaning for me as the quotes I am finding. Maybe I’ll share those some time, if I can ever find them again.
I have been writing this entry in pieces all day long. I have felt strangely exhausted all week for some reason, so it’s time to end this. 10 days until September is over, sad.